


to dusk; to dawn

by angelcakkes



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 25 Lives, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Alternate Universe - Racing, Alternate Universes, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fate & Destiny, Fluff, M/M, Making Out, Renjun is a beautiful enigma and Jeno is enamoured bc what else do I write
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-05-16 11:46:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14810744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelcakkes/pseuds/angelcakkes
Summary: Jeno chases Renjun across the lifetimes.





	1. The very first time I remember you -

**Author's Note:**

> DON'T BE THROWN OFF BY THE ANGST TAG  
> This is not a sad fic I swear it's all happy happy at the end.  
> Anyways, this fic is heavily based off [25 Lives](http://alighthouseofwords.tumblr.com/post/47941173293/25-lives-by-tongari) by Tongari, which is gorgeous and you guys should totally give it a read!  
> I've been wanting to write a alternate dimensions in which we meet again!au for so long, so, here it is!  
> I will edit this later, so apologies for any mistakes.  
> Read on!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'The very first time I remember you, you are blonde and don’t love me back.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little sad. I'm sorry.

I

* * *

Jeno’s very first memory of Renjun traces back to his last year in college. He’s in his last semester for film, and Renjun, similarly, in neuroscience. He first sees him on a dreary Thursday, waiting for Jaemin to finish his lab before the two head out to cash in the free large pizza coupon Jeno got from work a few weeks ago. 45 minutes into waiting, and a teary-eyed boy emerges from the lab room doors, pushing out a trolley draped in white.

Jeno blinks and watches the blonde boy disappear through the adjacent doors, small sniffles echoing through the otherwise empty hall. Not long later, Jaemin arrives, and the two pick up and move out to the pizza joint.

“A boy crying?” Jaemin takes another bite of pizza in between words, cheese snapping and flicking onto his chin, “that’s Renjun.” He takes a moment to think. “Yeah, left before me with the trolley, definitely Renjun. He had to perform an incision on the mice today. Poor boy started crying as soon as the professor told him.” He flicks out his tongue to lick pizza juice off his chin. “Throughout the whole process too, while I was holding the body still and he was, you know, cutting open the head, I don’t think he could actually see what he was doing through the tears. But, professor said he’d fail if he didn’t do it, so he was kind of left with no way out.”

Jeno hasn’t even seen the boy – Renjun – properly yet, but somehow, his heart feels for him anyways.

-

 The second time he sees Renjun, Jeno’s waiting outside the labs again, by the sink and the sanitizer. Renjun pushes the doors open with his backside, waddling out with his rear sticking out, holding his hands rigid in the air. His blonde hair is tied up like a sprout, or an apple – a cute, fluffy tuft on top of his head, and Jeno is sort of enamoured.

Ignoring Jeno’s presence entirely, Renjun walks up to the sink and begins washing up. Only when he’s turned the tap off and is vigorously shaking his hands dry, when a paper towel is ripped out of the dispenser and is offered to his face, does he note Jeno. Renjun tentatively plucks the tissue out of Jeno’s fingers, mumbling softly in gratitude.

Jeno doesn’t get to reply, because Renjun’s disappearing through the doors, blonde tuft bouncing on his head, and frankly, he’s a bit speechless at the small smile Renjun threw his way before leaving.

-

“Oh, Renjun’s coming with us tonight. I invited him out. Poor guy was planning to stay cooped up in the lab on a Friday night, can you believe it?”

Jeno doesn’t answer the question – simply follows Jaemin into the lab. Jaemin leaves him by the door to pack up his bench, gesturing to Renjun’s turned back by the glass cabinets.

“Help him will you, he’s going to drop it on his head.”

Jeno eyes Renjun’s lithe, stretched figure, trying to place a heavy _whateverthefuckthatwas_ on the top shelf of the cabinet. He’s standing on the edge of the stool, on his toes, trying to push the equipment in a few inches more. Jeno silently stalks up to him, pressing his hand against the small of Renjun’s back, and lifts himself onto the stool. He pushes the rest of it in, and Renjun shuts the door. He turns on the small space to look up at Jeno, bodies in scandalous proximity, and Jeno is flushed. Renjun smiles coyly, “you’re not that much taller than me, Jeno.”

Jeno clears his throat and looks away from Renjun’s eyes that shine with a mischievous glint. His neck grows hot. “But I did it, didn’t I?”

The words come out hoarse and dry, adding to the burn on Jeno’s cheeks. But, thankfully, Renjun doesn’t seem to notice, and softly pushes Jeno off the stool. Once Jeno’s back on ground, Renjun stick his hand out, wriggling his fingers for Jeno to grab and help him down. He doesn’t need any, but the bleeding blush on Jeno’s face gives him a reason.

“So,” Renjun starts as Jaemin rushes around the room, packing away his apparatus, “I’m guessing we can skip the introduction, since I bet Jaemin spoke about me as much as he speaks about you.”

Jeno nods, scuffing the soles of his shoes against the polish marble. He leaves a streak of black against the stainless gleam, panicking as he tries to rub it off. It doesn’t budge, and Jeno prays no one notices it.

Except, Renjun does, and with an understanding smile, he pushes a tall stool over the area.

“That’ll keep Doyoung off from noticing it, for a while at least.”

Jeno smiles sheepishly, bumping his shoulder with Renjun’s in unspoken thanks. Jaemin disrupts the moment with the squeak of the door and boom of his voice.

“Okay guys, let’s go eat! I’m starved!”

-

Renjun is everywhere, after that. Lunchtimes and Friday nights – when he isn’t in the lab – to random Tuesdays in Jaemin and Jeno’s shared dorm, cursing at their XBOX for supposedly ‘making him lose’.

“You just suck at playing.” Jaemin retorts, earning him a kick to the shin from Renjun.

“No, I don’t! Jeno, get in here and play against me.”

Jeno lets him win, every time – anything, for Renjun to beam brighter than any sun Jeno’s ever seen, or is out there.

 

Having dropped science years ago, and never understanding the subject to begin with, Jeno can’t put into words this pull he feels towards Renjun. It’s magnetic, like some sort of force field or whatever, that has him naturally gravitate towards the Chinese male. Even when Jeno’s not looking for him, somehow, Renjun is always just around the corner (literally), like he’s got Jeno spinning on _his_ axis – orbiting around _his_ sun. No matter how hard Jeno tries to repel the forces inside his chest, he finds, he has no power against Renjun’s magnetic pull. It’s too strong. And what Jeno feels, is even stronger.

-

It’s another Friday afternoon, and Renjun’s deep into writing up a report for his experiment. Jaemin’s not around, yet Jeno has found himself in the lab for Renjun anyways. As the days fleet by, Jeno notices this recurring situation – Renjun and him, alone, with no reason to be _there_ or _together_ , but _there_ and _together_ anyways.

“I can’t believe the first time you saw me was when I was crying.” Renjun whines, covering the blush spreading across his face behind his hands. Jeno gently pushes his hands down to peer at his face.

“You looked so cute though,” He offers as reassurance, “and the reason why – Jaemin told me – made you even cuter.”

Renjun’s beet red by then, rolling his eyes to feign annoyance. “You’re so embarrassing, stop.”

Jeno chuckles as Renjun huffs and resumes typing up his report. It’s comfortably silent for a while, with only the slow drag of the clock ticking, before Renjun speaks up again.

“Even though I don’t like the process at all times, and I get sort of squeamish, I really do like my course.” He lets his hands fall to his lap, looking down at them, as he mumbles his words. “You know, the brain is arguably the most important organ in your body. I know this isn’t new information, and everyone knows this, but often they pair the brain with the heart, when all the heart does is keep us alive.”

Jeno nods, giving Renjun the okay to go on – that he’s listening.

“I know that sounds weird too, like I get being alive is important, obviously – wait – no I’m wording it weirdly –“ He cuts himself off, wracking his head for the proper words. Jeno gingerly takes his hand, pulling it away from his head and down into his own lap, rubbing it soothingly. Renjun continues, “what I meant is, the heart is what keeps you alive, but the brain is what keeps you _living_. All your thoughts and feelings, everything that makes your life – makes you live – is from your brain, you know? People often associate feelings to the heart, because you feel hurt, heartbreak, and love, in here,” he points to his chest with his free hand. Jeno’s eyes follow along. “ – but, it’s really the brain that signals everything. I guess that’s why, at the end of the day, it’s better to be headstrong than heartfelt, because what you think is your heart, is really, still, your head.”

Jeno nods again, cupping Renjun’s small hand in his. Renjun flips his hands over, tracing over the lines on Jeno’s palms; life, fate, heart, and head.

“Sorry for whatever that was. You must be bored.”

Jeno shakes his head. “Not at all. I love hearing your thoughts.”

Renjun smiles shyly, returning to tracing Jeno’s palms. His blonde fringe curtains his eyes, and Jeno simply brushes them away. Under the harsh white light of the room, Renjun is golden. “I guess it’s the oncoming woes of graduation. I feel like I’m so close to what I’ve dreamed of for so long, that it’s almost unreal. A lot of the students in this course are here for the logics of it, or the money from the jobs branching out of it, but oddly, I’m kind of here for the romantic part of it. It’s what keeps me going, despite all the gross stuff.”

Jeno laces their fingers together, gently rocking their linked hands on his lap. “I think that makes you more interesting.”

Renjun smiles down at their hands, before blinking out of daze and pulling away.

 

That night, Jeno walks away from Renjun’s apartment musing over Renjun’s little monologue. He realises, as he halts outside his apartment, staring blankly at the asphalt floors, that he’s fallen head first, in love, with a boy infatuated by the thought of love instead.

-

Graduation comes around faster than Jeno can blink. In the beat of an eye, he’s in his blue robes, standing on the auditorium stage, taking one last look at the grand hall he’d been seeing every Monday assembly for the past 4 years. Sifting through the crowd, he spots Jaemin and Renjun beside his mother, toothy grins spread across their faces. His heart swells with feeling, as he steps off the stage and makes his way towards them.

Naturally, his mother pulls him into a vice-like hug first, squeezing the breath out of him. Jaemin follows next, slapping Jeno’s back and knocking the wind out of him. Renjun, simply, softly, gives him a hug, and Jeno is breathless.

“Congratulations, you did it!” Renjun whispers in his ear before he pulls away.

“Thank you.” Jeno smiles, eyes flicking down from Renjun’s eyes to his lips. They’re so close, and all Jeno needs to do is lean in, and they’d be his.

Instead, he lets Jaemin pull them apart and lead them to the after party.

 

Hours later, when the post-graduation high has come down, Jeno takes Renjun to the rooftop of the main building. The evening sky is clear and cloudless, as the sun slowly bleeds into the horizon. Renjun teeters dangerously over the rails, wind threading through his hair. It blows, like golden string, and Jeno’s just trying to hold on.

He carefully pulls Renjun back by the waist, then, as Renjun looks at him quizzically, unthreads the second button of his coat.

“This is for you.” He says, placing the button in Renjun’s hand and closing his fingers around it. “I wanted the perfect time and way to tell you, Renjun, that I love you. I know, it might be a bit hasty, but, I know I do. I feel it, in here.” Heart. “Here.” Head. “Everywhere.”

Renjun looks at him blankly, before darkness clouds over his face, He steps back, shaking his head until his back hits the rails. “Jeno, what – no, you can’t – “ He draws a sharp breath, releasing it in jagged waves that cut Jeno’s skin. “I’m sorry, Jeno, but I don’t – I just – whatever you feel for me, I don’t feel the same. I’m sorry.”

There’s an ache in Jeno’s knees as they rip with pain, like he’s fallen from a great height and landed hard on them. The pain seeps up to his stomach and heart, before reaching his neck and head. His ears ring, and suddenly, he can’t see.

“What – what are you saying?”

Renjun’s lips quiver, and he looks like he’s about to cry. “I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” He holds the button out, almost begging for Jeno to take it back. “I’m really sorry.”

Jeno feels himself spinning, as his heart sinks to his stomach. It’s like he’s fallen off axis, like he’s never been in Renjun’s orbit at all. He squats down to the floor, rubbing his head with his hands, then stands up to look at Renjun again. His eyes burn, but there are no tears. Just a thumping pain in his head, and heart.

“You’re a great friend, Jeno. A fantastic friend whom I love so much, just, not in the way you do. I’m really sorry.”

Jeno nods, trying to shake the senses back in to his brain. “Okay.” He mumbles, then louder, “okay. That’s okay. I get it.”

Renjun releases a heavy breath of relief. Calmly, he walks up to Jeno and places the button into his breast pocket.

“I’m sorry again. I really am. I wish I could love you the same, but I – I just don’t. I’m sorry.” He steps past Jeno, then stops to turn back. Jeno hates the way his heart lurched with hope. “You’re a great guy, so sweet, and you deserve someone who loves you enough for that.” Jeno nods, letting his head drop. “I hope, we can still be friends? If you don’t want to, I get it.” With no reply, Renjun makes to leave. “I’ll give you some space.”

The door to the rooftop slams shut, and Jeno is left in the bone-chilling cold of the young night. The sky is bright with stars, but Jeno’s sun has long stopped shining. He fishes the button out of his pocket and thumbs it between his fingers. His heart bursts once more, into sharp shards, cutting him open from the inside - and he’s hurting every where.

-

Four years later, on an early Monday morning, Jeno gets an embroidered, golden-laced envelope in his mailbox. He opens it to find a wedding invitation. Huang Ren Jun weds Wong Yuk Hei. He sighs, closes it, tucks it under his laptop, deciding to RSVP later instead of sooner.

In a way, he’s glad, that Renjun was able to find love, even if he hadn’t found it with him. Yet, in his heart of hearts, or, somewhere in the back of his mind, something spins again, and Jeno’s hurting once more.

Before heading out for the day, Jeno pulls out the invitation card. He smiles at the gilded letters of the name of his love – golden as always. With a heavy heart, he checks the _will-attend_ box and seals it up.

* * *

END I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear the next one is happier.


	2. The next time... you do -

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'The next time you are brunette, and you do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I highly recommend you guys to read 25 Lives by Tongari. This fic is heavily based off that prose? poem? and will somewhat explain where I'm headed with this. But, for a quick scaffold, there are many aus in which Jeno and Renjun meet (or don't meet). Jeno is in love with Renjun in all, however, our tragic hero naturally faces heartbreak and loss. Hence, he chases Renjun across the lifetimes until he finds one where he returns to him.  
> The aus are in no particular TIME order, so this can go from a modern!au to a medieval!au to dystopian!au. Yet, the memories(?), or chapters, are in order as Jeno remembers and carries the heartbreak from his previous lives - but he doesn't remember the actual events or meetings. Just the feelings.  
> Uh. I hope that's not too confusing. I'm sorry.  
> This is unedited as usual. I'll come back and fix it, but for now, I apologize for any grammatical errors.  
> Also, I know nothing about bikes or racing or motorbike racing. So, this is just really bad.

II

* * *

Jeno’s second memory of Renjun begins at a race track.

 

The bike engine rumbles as Jeno cocks the accelerator, relishing in the low grumble. He does it again, harder, faster – and the engine roars, deafening his ears from the onslaught of cheers coming from the crowd lining the road. He looks at the side, observing the masses of people gathered around for the bi-weekly competition. There’s a large group of girls gathered at the side, shrill voices shrieking and calling his name. Jeno lifts his visor, bright daylight blinding his vision, he squints for a second, before throwing them a wink and being returned with swooning screams.

From behind the crowd, Jaemin elbows his way to the front, rolling his eyes and tutting. “Jeno! Pay attention to the road ahead, will you?” He jabs at the betting booth, at the middle-aged man counting and separating bills. “You’ve got a lot on you.”

Jeno shoots him a thumbs-up in reassurance, pulling his visor back down and obscuring the blinding sun from his sight, he adjusts his eyes, gazing over the long route ahead.

It’s Jeno’s third time competing in the competitions, and if he wins, it’ll be his third victory. He has no plan of letting his streak go.

The flag girl makes her way to the middle of the track, holding out the two flags in await of the countdown. The whistle blows, and the flags wave the racers off. Jeno starts the engine and zooms off down the track, levelling his pace with the first three racers.

For about halfway around the track, he maintains his steady position, keeping an eye on the third-quarter mark up ahead so he can ignite his boosters and speed ahead. The racer next to him edges further a few inches, and Jeno frowns, advancing further to keep his slight lead.

The third-quarter flag looms closer with every racing mile that passes by. Jeno tightens his grip around the handles, knuckles splitting white under his leather gloves. Closer. Closer now. He places his foot on the booster ignition, counting down till the second he sets it off and –

There’s a racer catching up from behind. Jeno squints at his rear-view mirror, unable to recognise the rider. Jeno’s memorised every biker by their ride, fit, and figure – and none of them sport crimson bike, or a midnight-black suit, nor that lithe of a figure.

The rider weaves through the line of competitors, speeding to Jeno’s side. Once they’re tied, Jeno squints at the biker’s profile – masked completely by his helmet. He startles, bike wavering fatally off-track when the mysterious biker looks back at him. There’s no face behind the darkness of the mask – and Jeno is intrigued. The ride acknowledges Jeno with a nod, then hits his boosters, zooming down the course and racing ahead to the finish line. Jeno feels a cord snap and he’s dragged back to reality. The adrenaline in his leg kicks, and he releases his boosters, chasing after the biker.

He was not going to be bested by a nobody.

Jeno meets the biker again, seconds before they reach the finish line. The biker looks at him and nods once more, and for a split second, Jeno sees a small smirk curve underneath the dark shade. Taken aback, dazed and confused, the rider uses the opportunity to zoom past him and crosses the finish line – Jeno, lagging, centimetres behind.

For a few seconds, the crowd is eerily silent, drinking in what just happened. Jeno skids to a halt by the betting booth, tearing his helmet off and ruffling his blond locks back to a sane state. The crowd erupts into cheers of reassurance and encouragement, but Jeno hears none of it. Off the side of the track, few metres ahead, the mysterious rider steps off his motorbike. Jeno stares as the rider brings thin, gloved hands up to his helmet, pausing, before he yanks it off.

Brown hair falls in a glorious heap over his eyes, curtaining the dark orbs. The rider ruffles his hair, tilting his head back, and Jeno lets his eyes sweep over his delicate features.

Pretty – is the first word that comes to mind, before he’s torn out of trance.

“Who the fuck is that?” Jaemin bellows over the crowd, screaming into Jeno’s ear. He winces, looking from Jaemin, then back to the biker. He shrugs and continues staring. “Well, he came out of fucking nowhere, and ripped your streak in half.” Jaemin pulls a wad of notes out of his back pockets, slapping it to Jeno’s chest. “But, he didn’t sign up. So, you still get the prize, but with a wound to your pride.”

Jeno chews his lip, absent-mindedly pocketing the notes, busy staring at the rider as he fixes his bike. He startles when the biker looks up, locking onto Jeno’s gaze. A wave of familiarity washes over Jeno – like he’s seen those eyes somewhere, has been captured by that gaze before. Something churns – spins – in his mind, and he feels his feet tingle and push him further.

Moving past Jaemin, Jeno makes his way towards the biker.

“You ride well for such a tiny body.” Jeno says, leaning against the crimson ride. He pats the seat, “I’m surprised you could handle such a big beauty.”

The biker crosses his hands over his chest and smirks. “Is this your way of flirting with me? Because the teasing act is tacky, old, and not gonna work.”

Jeno chokes on air, pushing himself off the bike and standing rigidly straight. He stares down at his feet and bites his tongue. The biker giggles, and Jeno can’t help but look up at the face that elicited such a melodious sound. Likewise, his face beams with beauty.

“I’m Renjun. New in town.” He gestures to his bike with his elbow. “This, is my baby, so, I’m gonna need you to step further away from her now.”

Jeno takes a step back, flushing under Renjun’s sly smile. “Jeno.” He mumbles, refusing to meet Renjun’s eyes. The latter has other plans it seems, for he steps closer and leans down to peer at Jeno’s face.

“Mother never taught you it’s rude to not look at the person talking to you?”

On cue, Jeno looks up, face firing up like a distress flare.

Renjun blinks at Jeno’s flustered mien, immediately softening his expression. “Oh, I’m sorry. Did I scare you? I don’t bite, I swear.” He takes a step closer, and Jeno struggles to not coo at his small stature. Even if Renjun claims not to, he definitely seems likes the type to bite. Jeno swallows his thoughts and fights the blush back down, trying to calm the drumming of his heart as Renjun takes another step closer. At such proximity, Jeno spots a small groove on Renjun’s right cheek, just under the corner of his eye. He’s too engrossed in staring to notice Renjun taking his hand.

“Nice to meet you Jeno.” He says, giving Jeno’s hand a firm shake. Jeno looks down at their hands. “I hope I didn’t ruin the race too much. I’m not here for any money – if that’s your game, I’m cool with that.” He smirks again, and Jeno, badly, wants to kiss it off. “I’m just here to play.”

-

“Are you sure we haven’t met somewhere before?” Jeno asks as he polishes the body of his bike. Renjun’s settled himself on an open ute trunk, kicking his legs aimlessly. Jeno likes to spend his free Sundays working on his bike, in the local garage. It’s the only time he gets to relax, without the howling of his friends, who chose to spend Sundays with their family. Jeno doesn’t have one; hence, his lonesome day. Until, he arrives at the garage to find Renjun having the tires on his bike pumped. It carries on from there, after a few minutes of staring blankly – on Jeno’s part.

“I don’t think so. I’d recognise you – I’m good with faces like that.” Renjun’s dressed brightly, in a lovely blue, and Jeno is still having trouble processing the stark contrast from two days ago.

Jeno stands to attention, pinching his brows. “Face like what?”

Renjun leans on his hands, tapping the sides of his jaw with his fingers. “Like it’s been sculpted by the Gods.”

Jeno turns away before Renjun can spot the flaming blush forming on his cheeks. It’s useless, because when Jeno’s embarrassed it shows everywhere, from his ears to his fingertips. Renjun laughs, leaning to tug Jeno closer by his shirt. He cups his face, gently caressing his cheeks, planting a chaste kiss to his nose.

“You’re so cute, I can’t get enough of you.”

Something spins in the back of Jeno’s mind again, as he looks closely at the shine in Renjun’s eyes. He feels like he’s seen those stars before, and the aching familiarity pulls at his nerves, tearing away at the seams of his mind. Jeno knows, somewhere, somehow, yet he can’t put a finger on it – and it’s eating him alive. He pushes away and returns to his bike, trying to stifle the overpowering thoughts with the sound of metal banging, and the pungent smell of petroleum.

 

“Are you going to join for the next race?” Jeno asks as he pulls the garage door shut. Renjun scrunches his nose in thought. Jeno suppresses the urge to kiss it.

“Do you want me to?”

Jeno frowns. “What kind of question is that?”

Renjun shrugs, pursing his pretty, plump, bottom lip and – it’s getting _really hard_ for Jeno to suppress all these urges. He doesn’t even know where they’re coming from. He blames the spinning in his head and the burning in his heart.

“I don’t know.” Renjun supplies, “maybe I assumed you wouldn’t want me there because I’d beat you again and hurt your pride?”

Jeno scoffs, rolling his eyes. “As if. You got lucky before, because you basically cheated and started from the middle – “

“ – and I was right at the back, and still caught up to you.”

Jeno grumbles, walking out if the lot, Renjun in tow at his side. “Whatever. You better be at the track in 2 weeks. I’m stealing back my crown.”

“So, you admit I stole it from you?”

“Yes. Stole. Unlawfully.” Jeno picks up his pace, almost jogging away from Renjun’s teasing stares.

Renjun giggles, chiming a series of ‘okays’ as he skips after Jeno.

-

Life gets busy, and Jeno doesn’t see Renjun for a week since he hasn’t been able to go to the garage, and he doesn’t have any other way to contact Renjun. He’s known the smaller male for a number of days, countable on his fingers, yet somehow, the absence is killing him. In the time Jeno doesn’t see Renjun, he thinks about him instead. About the curve of Jeno’s nose, the bow of his lips, his short, pretty lashes that flutter across his cheeks whenever he blinks – and Jeno thinks he’s seen it all before. A part of him is familiar with Renjun’s pretty features, and being around him fills him with a sense of relief that Jeno doesn’t know where from.

Ever since he saw Renjun on the track, Jeno’s heart had started pumping furiously, as if urging and pushing him to hold Renjun against his chest, in his arms. It’s like he’s been unknowingly searching for Renjun all his life, and now that he’s found him, he can't be apart for too long.

It’s a bit of a burden, because the thoughts plague Jeno’s mind constantly, and it annoys him that only he seems to be the one to feel like this, whereas Renjun claims to have never seen him before.

It’s a bit of a burden, because Jeno’s always thinking about Renjun – and as a part-time barista, he needs to focus on what he’s doing.

Jeno hisses as the hot steam bursts out of the pipe and scalds his hand. He drops the cup of milk and dunks his hand into the cold, dish-sink; not caring for the dirty dishes. He retracts his hand to observe the burn. Thankfully, there are no lumps, just a distasteful red tinge to his skin over the inflicted area. He curses himself and wraps his hand in a wet cloth before returning to his station.

Speaking of the devil – or thinking, in Jeno’s case – he looks up to find Renjun leaning over the counter, playful smile gracing his face. Jeno wants to be annoyed, but he isn’t – he’s relieved, and the burn hurts less, replaced by the ache in his chest as he yearns to kiss the boy before him.

Renjun wiggles his fingers in a wave. “Hi.”

Because Jeno hates himself and wants to ruin any chances he has with Renjun, he pretends to be annoyed, just for the sake of it. “What do you want?”

Renjun frowns, and Jeno bites his tongue. The look doesn’t suit Renjun, and he curses himself for putting it there. “I’m here as a customer.” Renjun deadpans.

_Of course, Jeno. Why else would he be here? It certainly isn’t for you._

“How’d you know I work here?” God forbid Jeno from talking any more.

“I didn’t. I wanted some coffee, and,” Renjun sighs out of exasperation, as if he’s tired or upset or both. Jeno can’t help but feel he’s at fault. “I just came and you were here. I was glad to see a familiar face, but I guess not anymore. I’ll just –“

“Wait!” Jeno grabs Renjun’s wrist before he can leave. “I never said I wanted you to leave.” He guides Renjun down onto a stool, closer to his station. “I’ll make you something, on the house.”

Jeno brews up a mocha – deeming it the safest option since it’s not too _coffee_ but not too _chocolate_ either, and, he doesn’t know Renjun’s taste yet. He’ll memorise it if Renjun decides to frequent the café, just like he did for his regulars.

“Who taught you to ride?” He asks, making small talk as he waits for the coffee to brew.

“Would you believe me if I told you I’m a government spy and that it’s a job requirement?”

Jeno stops pouring the drink to give Renjun a pointed, unamused look. “No.”

Renjun deflates. “Oh, that’s a shame. Would’ve been a killer story to make up.”

Jeno shakes his head and chuckles, placing the cup in front of Renjun. He tops it off with some extra cream, out of endearment. And, so he can see Renjun in a stupid cream-stache.

“Who knew angsty _biker boy_ had such a demure side job?” Renjun teases, taking a sip of his drink. Cream sticks to his top lip in a, successful, moustache. He hums, “it’s good!”

Jeno could bask in the warmth of Renjun’s smile forever.

-

It’s competition day, and Jeno searches the crowd for the _pretty boy_ he’d been spending all his time thinking of. He spots Renjun’s small head poking out of the hoard of bikers, and he smiles. Ignoring the crowd screaming his name, he makes his way over.

Renjun’s back in his gear, dark midnight suit that hugs his frame. Jeno eyes his figure, and comes to the realisation that despite being so thin, Renjun’s body was exceptionally strong.

_No wonder he can handle a bike like that._

“Are you ready to lose, Jeno Lee?”

Jeno brings his eyes back up to Renjun’s face, returning the smirk. “Correction. Are _you_ ready to lose?”

Renjun rolls his eyes and groans. “You’re so lame, oh my god.” He looks up at Jeno, tentatively, chewing on his bottom lip. He releases it when it’s all red and raw and plump and, Jeno has never wanted to kiss it more.

_This is getting really hard._

“Let’s make a bet.”

Jeno perks up, brow quirking in question. Renjun continues.

“If either of us wins, we get to ask the other to do one thing...” He trails off, searching Jeno’s face, letting his eyes settle on his lips, before they fall to the floor. Jeno swallows thickly to fight the blush creeping up his neck, under Renjun's stare. “It can’t be incriminating or too, _out there_ , do you get me?”

Jeno’s eyes wander in thought. He nods his head and agrees. With glee, Renjun dons his helmet, giving Jeno a thumbs-up before he sets on his bike and drives off to the starting line.

 

 

Half-way through the course, Renjun is nowhere to be seen. Jeno checks his rear-view mirror again, trying to spot Renjun amongst all the riders. He sees a flash of crimson at the back, and sighs with relief. At least Renjun hadn’t bailed last minute. However, at this rate, there was no way he was going to beat Jeno, who had been maintaining a lead all throughout the race. He pumps on the acceleration and speeds ahead, distancing himself from the rest of the biker and securing his lead. The rumble of the engine reverberates up his hands and throughout his body, sending jolts of adrenaline straight to his heart.

If he wins, he’ll get to ask Renjun for anything.

He steps on the gas, harder, and speeds ahead.

About a few metres away from the third-quarter mark, the roar of another bike sounds beside Jeno, and his eyes blow open as he spots Renjun speeding up to him. Renjun quickly lifts his visor up with one hand on the steers, casually winking at Jeno, leaving him stunned and unable to comprehend Renjun flying past him.

Jeno’s eyes watch Renjun’s small back speed off past the finish line. The air escapes his lungs in puffs as panic floods his body. Something spinning in his mind tells him to go, to stop him before he’s out of reach – _before he loses Renjun again._ When Jeno crosses the finish line, cheers erupting at all sides, his only focus is on Renjun and his small figure in the far distance. He had lost again.

 

“What happened to you?” Jaemin demands once Jeno steps off the bike. Jeno simply shakes his head, staring at Renjun lifting off his helmet and ruffling his hair back into place.

“I – I don’t know.” He mumbles.

Jaemin shakes his head. “Oh, I think I do.” Blatantly, he points toward Renjun. “You think he’s pretty.” Jeno splutters and Jaemin knows he’s right. “I can’t believe some guy has got you whipped like this? Do you know how many people were betting on you today?”

Jeno has the decency to offer Jaemin a sorry look, to which he replies to with a sigh. “Whatever.” Jaemin shrugs, patting Jeno’s back. “Go get your boy, you’re practically dying here with me and not with him.” He grabs Jeno before the latter can leave. “Next time, I want no bullshit. You own this Jeno. This is your game. Don’t let anyone get in the way of what you’re good at.” Jaemin jabs at Jeno’s chest.

Jeno pulls his hand away and smiles gratefully. “Thanks. I know, and I won’t. This is still my game after all.”

With that, he briskly walks up to Renjun’s side, greeting him with a tap to his shoulder. Renjun spins around, breaking out into a grin once he sees Jeno.

“I won.”

“That, you did.”

Renjun pouts playfully. “Oh? You’re not upset?”

“It’s my own fault I lost. I let myself get distracted, so you’re the rightful winner.”

“Oh, _biker boy_ is now _noble biker boy._ ” Renjun teases, poking Jeno’s chest.

Jeno grabs his finger, then his hand, bringing it up to his lips. He grazes his lips across the soft skin of Renjun’s hand, before he pulls away. “Too bold too soon, Jeno.”

“Sorry.” He takes a step back, pushing down the sudden high he’s been feeling since seeing Renjun on the tracks. His heart, tells him to grab the opportunity before it’s too late. His head, tells him patience is key. Somehow, somewhere, he feels an inkling of a reminder, as if someone’s advising him to be headstrong rather than heartfelt – that it’ll aid him later.

He doesn’t think about it too long, because Renjun’s shoving the winner’s prize money into his hands.

“What’s this?” Jeno frowns at the notes in his hand.

“I told you, I don’t care about the money. I’m just here to play.”

Jeno pushes the money back into Renjun’s hand. “I didn’t win it.”

“I don’t care.” Renjun says blatantly. “I want you to have it.” He crosses his fingers. “No backs.”

Jeno rolls his eyes at the childishness, softly thanking him before pocketing the wad. “What’s my punishment for losing?”

Renjun hums, tapping his chin. “On Sunday, meet me at the garage. I’ll have decided what I want from you by then.” He leaves on that note, with a wink, riding away down the street, fiery bike disappearing at the bend.

Jeno’s heart and mind, by now, are spinning in sync – in complete, overdrive.

-

Sunday couldn’t have come any faster. By the time Jeno’s reached the garage, he’s practically bouncing on his feet. The door is already open, and from the distance, he spots Renjun waiting by Jeno’s bike.

Renjun senses his arrival, and greets him warmly with a smile. “You’re early.”

“You’re earlier.” Jeno notes.

“I was excited to see you.”

Jeno steps closer toward Renjun, backing him up against his bike. He leans in, and Renjun takes a sharp breath. “Me too.”

Renjun releases the wind caught in his throat, shifting to pat the bike seat. “You’re punishment for losing, I’ve decided –“

Jeno eyes Renjun’s hand stroking the bike and shakes his head. “You’re not getting her.”

“What?” Renjun blinks, face scrunched up in confusion. He follows Jeno’s gaze and shakes his head. “No, idiot. I want you to take me for a ride, preferably to a beach or something, then we can stay there until the sun sets, so yes, you will be spending the whole day with me. Then, as the sun’s melting into the sky, you can spin me around on the seat, or pull me into your lap – your choice – and make out with me.”

Jeno is stunned into silence, slowly taking in Renjun’s demand.

“Don’t look so shocked, I know you want to.”

Jeno would be lying if he denied it. “You’ve thought a lot about this, haven’t you?”

Instead of answering, Renjun throws Jeno his helmet and takes one for himself before pushing Jeno onto his bike. “Less acting suave and more riding off into the sunset so I can kiss you faster.”

Jeno throws his leg over the seat, propping himself on comfortably. He stops Renjun before he can get on, pulling him closer by the waist. He leans up, inching towards Renjun’s lips and – nothing.

Renjun turns away, pushing himself away from Jeno. “Don’t ruin what I’ve planned out. You’ll get it later.” He pulls on his helmet, blocking off any sneaky paths, and seats himself at the back. Without being needed to ask, he presses his chest to Jeno’s back, splaying his hands over his chest.

Jeno takes a deep breath, trying to time his racing heart with the steady beat of Renjun’s own, pressed against him, praying he doesn’t reveal his nervousness. Renjun seems to have noticed, for he rubs the area over Jeno’s heart, and presses closer.

Jeno etches the rise and fall of Renjun’s heartbeat to memory.

-

“Ew.” Renjun scrunches his nose as he wriggles his toes in the wet sand. “This is so weird.”

“And yet you’re still doing it.” Jeno treads down to his side, stepping over the seaweed washed onto the shore. Once he’s standing beside Renjun, the smaller boy turns to face him, then, with a grin, digs his feet deep into the wet sand before standing on top of Jeno’s feet. The shore is empty, save for a few gulls here and there, with winter only a few sunrises away. It makes it easier, the comfortable quiet, for Renjun to act so shamelessly, and for Jeno, to return it tenfold.

“What the fuck?” Jeno shrieks as he tries to steady himself, holding on to Renjun so the smaller boy doesn’t fall off. Renjun puts all his weight on his grain-covered feet, planting it firmly on Jeno’s own. He squirms under the weight and the slickness of the sand. “What’re you doing?”

Renjun’s grin stretches wider, and if Jeno wasn’t hopelessly in love with him, he’d have kicked him off.

Renjun chooses to completely ignore Jeno’s question and continues to wriggle his wet toes all over Jeno’s feet. “Let’s take a walk, but like this. I’ll stand on your feet and you can carry me along.”

“So, I’m the only one walking.”

Renjun groans. “No silly! I have to bend my knees too,” he stops to think, “but, yes, you will be walking for the both of us.”

Jeno rolls his eyes in mock annoyance, hooking Renjun’s arms around his neck, gripping onto Renjun’s waist, he pads across the wet sand carrying Renjun on his feet.

“This isn’t as fun as thought it’d be.” Renjun mutters after a while of wordless walking – or stumbling, more like.

“And, it’s annoying and hard.” Without another word, he lifts Renjun up by the thigh and hooks his legs around his hips. “There, much better.”

Renjun rests his cheek against the crook of Jeno’s neck, tracing mindless circles across Jeno’s back. Jeno nuzzles against Renjun’s shoulder. His heart swells, and for the first time in a while, he doesn’t feel dizzy anymore. Like he’s being thrown off his feet or spinning at atomic rate. Holding onto Renjun like this, he’s overcome with relief – like he’s finally, _finally,_ fulfilled.

“I used to go to the beach a lot when I was younger.” Renjun mumbles softly. Jeno shifts his head to hear better, cheek grazing against Renjun’s hair. After a moment, pausing for a resigned sigh, Renjun continues. “My mum used to take me, before she got sick. Then, I used to push her down to the shore as far as I could before the wheels of her chair got stuck in the sand. It seemed pointless to go by myself, after…” He trails off. Jeno stops walking and heads up the beach to dryer sand before sitting down. Renjun remains hooked around his waist. “I got lost after that. Found myself wandering across the earth, looking for something I couldn’t name. Then I came here.”

“Did you find it?” Jeno asks softly, cautiously.

Renjun pulls back to look at Jeno’s face. His eyes flit over his mien, searching, until he finally rests them on Jeno’s. “I – I don’t know.”

Jeno’s lets his eyes flicker down to Renjun’s lips, then, wetting his lip with a sweep of his tongue, he brings their lips together – and he’s home. His heart races a mile per second, and blood rushes to his head in surging waves, numbing his senses as he pours, and pours, his love.

Renjun breathes deeply, breath tickling Jeno’s skin. Jeno drags his tongue over the swell of Renjun’s bottom lip, sucking it in between his lips and relishing in the whimper that follows.

Renjun pulls away, letting their foreheads rest together, regaining breath before he joins their lips again. Jeno pulls in his lips between his teeth, biting and sucking on it until it’s soft, and tender, and swollen. He releases Renjun’s lips to marvel at his work. Renjun’s lips are fat and red, deliciously kissed and raw. He looks death-defyingly beautiful.

“You look pretty.” Are the words that tumble out of his mouth instead, but Jeno means so, so much more.

“Thanks.” Renjun replies, then their mouths are meeting again at a frantic, heated pace.

Jeno feels fires ignite at the crevices of his heart and in the gaps between his lungs. He’s being burnt alive, by Renjun, and he lets him.

The sun drops over the edge of the world, like a spilt urn pouring gold into the sky – and the whole, marvellous sight goes unseen, but not missed.

-

“I’m leaving next week.”

Jeno drops the carton of milk. It bursts onto the café floor, milk glugging out uncontrollably all over the tiles and his shoes.

“What?” He breathes out.

Renjun rushes over to his side, grabbing the mop by the counter. He picks up the empty carton, tossing it in the trash. “Oh my god Jeno, it’s like a flood!” He starts mopping up the spill.

Jeno stays rooted, heart ringing so loud in his ear it deafens him. Renjun’s words play over in his head like a haunting mantra, and his heart drops. He grabs Renjun’s hand.

“What did you say?”

Renjun stops mopping and looks up. Something flashes across his eyes that Jeno can’t pinpoint, but it scares him down to the bone.

“Next week, before the race, I’m leaving.”

Jeno wants to throw up.

 

Renjun crawls into Jeno’s lap as the pair spend the Friday night cooped up on Jeno’s couch, streaming tacky 80’s romance flicks that neither of them are paying any attention to. Renjun starts to press kisses along Jeno’s jaw, then, more open-mouthed ones along his cheek.  Jeno turns to join their lips in a soft and lazy kiss. There’s a gaping hole in his chest that aches, and he’s trying, but no amount of kisses have been able to fill it.

_“What about me?”_

_“I still love you.”_

_“Not enough to stay?”_

_“…I’m sorry.”_

Jeno hates himself for feeling this way. He hates himself for being so hopelessly, helplessly, intoxicated in Renjun’s love that even though he should distance himself now, so the pain is less later, he can’t. He can’t bear to let him.

He hates this feeling of déjà vu, like he’s lived through a similar heartbreak before. He hates the fact that he couldn’t stop himself – wouldn’t stop himself – from falling so deeply.

As Renjun continues to leave sloppy kisses on his cheeks, and as Jeno searches for his lips, he lets himself forget, urges himself to indulge in what they have for now. He pushes Renjun down onto the sofa, presses him into the cushions, trailing wet kisses up his neck, to his cheeks, then dragging his lips in for a slow, long, kiss.

Renjun’s hand dives beneath Jeno’s shirt, icy fingers tapping soothingly against hot skin. Jeno wraps Renjun’s pliant form around his waist, bringing their bodies closer. Yet, Jeno still feels empty.

Renjun pulls away, moving to untangle himself from Jeno and sit up. “It’s really late. I should go.”

Panic shoots through Jeno like a bullet. “Stay.” He pleads. His voice is hoarse and raspy, emotions raw and lain out in the open. “At least for tonight.”

Renjun bites his lips, eyes drifting off in thought. They fall back on Jeno, and he sees that flash again. Renjun kisses Jeno’s chin and nods, nestling in his chest.

Jeno finally reads the look in Renjun’s eyes.

An apology. A regret.

-

Renjun leaves without a word the dawn before the race. Jeno wakes when the sun is high up, to a cold bed, and a cold, dead heart. As he stares at the ceiling, pain thrashes in his chest, heartbreak rages in thunderous lashes that rip him apart, but, he doesn’t cry.

He did enough of that the night before, in Renjun’s arms.

Lying in bed, mindlessly staring at the white ceiling, he lets the pain of loss consume him until he’s hurting everywhere. It feels known, bitter, and he hates it.

_I lost you again._

The thought comes from nowhere, from some other lifetime, from everywhere – Jeno’s not too sure. But it settles on his tongue, tastes like blood in his mouth – metallic and cold.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t enough for you.” He whispers to the walls, just like he’d whispered them to Renjun the previous night, as he let himself be rocked to sleep.

Slowly, with much strain, he turns to his side. There’s a note carefully tucked beneath his pillow. He frowns and pulls it out.

_You’re everything more than what I could’ve ever wanted. I’m sorry I’m not the person I want to be yet. When I am, I will return to you._

_I love you._

_Eternally, yours._

With a heavy sigh, Jeno gets out of bed. He sticks the note on his fridge with a magnet he bought with Renjun, of a red bike. Taking one last look at it before he heads out for the day, he smiles, wistfully.

At the course, Jaemin drags him to the garage just before the race begins.

“You’ll never guess what was left in your name this morning.”

There’s a motorcycle silhouette, covered by a large cloth, behind him. Jeno draws a sharp breath, holding it as Jaemin tears the cover off to reveal a crimson bike – Renjun’s bike. Jeno gapes, dumbfounded.

“No name signed but, there’s a note.” Jaemin passes him a small slip that writes simply:

_For Jeno._

Jeno smiles down at the note, then tucks it away into his back pocket. Taking the keys from Jaemin, he settles on the red bike and starts the engine. It roars to life, growling sound filling in the gaps of Jeno’s heart with longing reminiscence.

“I’ll be competing with this today.”

(He wins, redeeming his streak, but somehow, it was Renjun’s too.)

-

Winters later, Jeno gets a job offer from a motor sport company, that requires him to move across the country. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, and his skills are begging him to take the call.

He does, and a few weeks later, he’s packed up and ready to move. He takes one last look at the note on the fridge, withered over time, before tucking it away into a pocket in his wallet he never checks.

Renjun’s not coming back, and neither is he.

* * *

END II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking through!  
> Also, chapter lengths will vary, a lot.


	3. After a while -

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And perhaps it if the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone." - Chiron to Achilles. The Song of Achilles. (Miller)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super late. Super terribly written. Super poorly edited. I'm so, so sorry. To anyone who was waiting, I hope this is good enough.

III

* * *

“ _23, come in 23.”_

Renjun reaches around for his radio-receiver. He looks around, checking for a clear coast, then breathes against the transmitter.

“This is 23, come in Winwin.”

_“There’s a slip between the main gates of the wall that you can use to get by. The guards overhead won’t be able to spot you – it’s a blind-spot. We’ll take care of the ones on the ground.”_

Despite being alone in the darkness of the corner, between two large, looming pillars, Renjun nods. “I got it.”

A shaky breath sounds through the speaker, broken by static. _“Renjun, be careful”_

Renjun takes a deep breath, holding it in his chest. “I will, Sicheng.” He promises, before he cuts off the transmitter, crushing the device in his hands and letting the grains of evidence flow away with the wind. He looks around once more, then slips out of the darkness.

-

Jeno likes to think he lives well. He attends class every Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, works part-time at the local convenience store every other day, and tutors fellow accounting juniors every other night. His days pass peacefully, save for the drama Donghyuck likes to bring every time he pops into the store, and he’s pretty sure the nice grandma who owns the store is going to promote him to manager, with how much she coddles him.

Heck, Jeno’s life is great. No drama. No mess. No fuss.

And, utterly, tragically, eventless.

Jeno swivels around on his chair, launching himself into another spin with a kick to the counter when the rotation slows. The AC whirs on in a dull drone at the back, and Jeno’s losing his mind. He lets the chair stop, eyes trailing to the TV hooked high on the corner. Another attack near the wall. Another infiltration from the enemy. Another round of explosive being set off, releasing toxic fumes into the air and making it harder to breathe than it already is within the walls.

Ever since the great divide between the country, war and violence around the border became a common scene on the news. So much so that now, no one cares – especially Jeno.

He rolls his eyes at the scene, switching to a different channel. The staffroom door opens and the old lady’s grandson, Mark, steps out.

“You can clock out for today, there’s nothing happening here, and I can handle whatever does happen myself.”

Jeno nods and packs his things, swiping a lollipop from the dispenser on his way out. He stands outside the bus stop, lazily swirling his tongue around the coke-flavoured pop. The top of the bus appears down the road, and Jeno palms his pockets for the fare. He groans – they’re empty.

“Getting on?” The driver asks once he pulls up at the curb. Jeno, sadly, shakes his head. The bus driver doesn’t take pity, shutting the doors, and disappearing down the street.

Jeno makes a resounded sigh, pulling on the straps of his bag and deciding to walk home instead. Despite the devastation at the wall’s edges, the weather maintained a level of tranquillity and spring bliss, almost marring out the tension that lurks in the air.

He arrives at the highest peak of the bridge overlooking the land, once shared but now, split in half by slabs of brick towering three metres high. If Jeno tries – and he does, sometimes – he can almost see the city dwelling on the other side. And if he tries harder – which he does, sometimes – he can see the life that thrives beyond. During the sometimes in which he does stop to look, eyes dragging over the distant scenery, he wonders about the people there, and if they’re as tired of the separation as much as he is; or, if they just don’t care, much like everyone else. He thinks about the torn families, pulled apart and kept apart without being given a second thought. He wonders what the people at the borders are fighting for – if it’s worth it. Then, he looks away and keeps walking.

Today, is a sometime, and Jeno stops to observe the guards marching alongside the walls. The commotion from earlier seems to have carried off elsewhere, as the wall side has resumed to it’s usual, dead, state. In the far distant, somewhere behind him, a single gunshot goes off.

The noise shocks him out of his daze. Jeno shudders, taking it as a sign to move along, stepping off the bridge and making the turn into his street.

The loud growl of an exhausted engine sounds. He whips his head around in time to dodge the staggering motorbike coming at lightning speed. The bike turns at the bend, too fast too soon, before the engine dies and it flips to its side. The vehicle skids across the tar painfully, skinning the driver of his jumpsuit shoulder, then stops in the middle of the open road.

Jeno stands still on the footpath, dumbfounded. He blinks and gapes at the accident, then, snaps back to focus and runs over to the passenger. With much strain, he pushes the bike out of the way and lifts the driver into his arms. His first thoughts are to call the police and ambulance, until the driver groans in his lap, hissing in pain.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve got you. You’re going to be fine.”

Jeno pulls the helmet off the biker’s head to let him breathe. He pauses, wind caught in his chest, as he stares at the biker.

A feeling stirs in his heart – a reminder, an urge – and Jeno frowns at the face that appears hauntingly familiar to him.

_Renjun._

The name appears in a breathless whisper in his head. When it travels to his lips and tongue, it feels acquainted, like it belongs there.

_Renjun._

The biker groans again, eyelids shaking before they tear open. He grits his teeth in pain, rolling over on his side.

“Ambulance.” Jeno mutters. “Hold on for 2 seconds, I’m calling an ambulance right away –“

He’s stopped by a hand gripping his wrist. The biker shakes his head, eyes drooping to a close.

“What do you mean no?”

Jeno lifts the unconscious body into his arms again, blood staining his clothes from the exposed wound. He tears off a piece of cloth, pressing it to the shoulder when he spots a small tattoo, almost covered by the blood. Immediately, he recognises it to be the mark of the resistance agents, causing the commotion at the borders and the revamp in security measures within the city.

Jeno curses himself – it’s just his luck to be in a situation like this, cradling the so-called ‘enemy’ in his arms as they bleed out.

He knows, he should leave the biker there; nothing good can come out of affiliating with a man on the run.  However, Jeno takes one look at the boy, face pinched with pain, lips quivering – and he can’t let him go.

_Not again._

Pushing aside the probing thoughts and growing headache, he slides an arm under the boy’s legs and lifts him up, carrying him to his apartment.

-

Jeno spends the rest of the day in a frenzy; running to and fro from the pharmacy, scrolling through wikihow and other google-supplied medical pages on how to treat a skinned shoulder. Sweat beads forming on his brow, he desperately searches the aisles for the correct disinfectant mentioned on the medical webpage he has up. At a loss, he does the only other possible solution he has, that doesn’t involve a doctor, but is halfway there – Jaemin.

“What do you mean you skinned your shoulder and now you want to know how to treat it?!” Jaemin screams down the phone, forcing Jeno to pull the phone away from his ear. “Jeno, what the fuck?! Go to the hospital! How are you even talking to me calmly?!”

“Jaemin just listen –“

“Oh my god, Jeno, you idiot! How did you even do that?! I’m on my way right now – dumb piece of shit talking to me calmly while he’s dying acting like he can take care of himself won’t go to the hospital dumbass –“ Jaemin starts to mutter, completely ignoring Jeno’s pleas for attention.

“Jaemin!” Jeno screams, and Jaemin finally shuts up. The cashier looks visibly shaken, and Jeno mouths an apology their way. “Just, listen to me calmly, I’m fine. My entire shoulder hasn’t been torn off, it’s just a deep graze. I’ve stopped the bleeding by tying an old shirt over it,” he recalls, mind fleeting back to the boy sleeping in his bed, “but it burns, and, you know I don’t like going to the hospital.”

There’s a tired sigh, and a few seconds later, Jaemin speaks up. Jeno can practically see him rubbing his temples. “I don’t get what’s your deal, but, okay. You’ll need…”

 

Hours later, Jeno returns to his apartment with bags of first aid and Chinese takeout, because he supposes the agent would be hungrier than he is. Leaving the food on the kitchen counter, he heads to the bedroom first, shocked to see the agent sitting upright and blinking at him. The boy panics, covering himself with the covers, warily squinting at Jeno.

“Hey.” Jeno starts. He smiles widely to reduce hostility, glad when the boy before him visibly relaxes. “How are you feeling?”

He gets no reply, only a blank stare and slow blinks. Jeno sighs – he’s not cut out for this.

“I got you some meds.” He rustles the bag, moving closer to sit on the edge of the bed. The boy moves back, eyes flicking from Jeno’s face, to the bag, to his hand near his.

Jeno takes out the bottle of disinfectant and bandage roll, preparing to undo the travesty of dressing he did previously, when he gets pushed back.

“It’s okay. I’ll do it.” The boy speaks up, pulling on the knot himself. The fabric scruffs against the wound and he hisses in pain, tears pricking his eyes.

“No, you’re in pain. Let me.” Jeno tries again.

“It’s fine, this is nothing –“

“Renjun.” Jeno commands, then stops himself. The name that had been plaguing his mind had wandered to his mouth, then spilled out without thought. Renjun, looks equally taken back, face immediately masked by suspicion.

“How the hell do you know my name?” He demands, rough voice startling Jeno.

Jeno gapes, floundering for an explanation he himself needed. “You told me, when I carried you in. You were practically slipping in and out of unconsciousness so I doubt you’d remember.” He lies, but it’s the best he has. Renjun doesn’t seem to believe him, but much to Jeno’s relief, he doesn’t question any further. “Just so we’re even, my name’s Jeno. Now, can I…?” He trails off and points to Renjun’s blown shoulder. Renjun nods slowly, jutting it forward so Jeno can properly dress the wound.

Renjun watches Jeno inspect the wound, muttering what he deems as steps he read off from online, as he dabs on the dry patches of blood and cleans the area. As he wraps the bandage around his shoulder, Renjun asks, “why not the hospital?”

Jeno looks up at Renjun and smirks, slightly. “Didn’t think they’d treat you right after they see that.” He says, pointing to the inking on Renjun’s skin, barely escaping the skinned area.

“And, it doesn’t bother you?” Renjun asks, leaning forward to catch Jeno’s gaze.

Jeno searches Renjun’s face for an answer. He looks into Renjun’s eyes, and a feeling rises in his chest; spinning, turning, at a thousand miles per hour. His heart beats erratically, rings in his ears, and there’s an adrenaline spike that pulses throughout his entire body. He sucks in a deep breath, gulps of oxygen, and breathes out, _Renjun._

_How could anything about you ever bother me?_

“It’s not my business.” His mouth supplies instead. “You needed help, and you weren’t going to get it from the authorities. I couldn’t just leave you.”

Renjun nods at that, whispering a barely audible, “thank you.”

Jeno swallows the burn in his throat and continues to silently wrap the gauze tightly.

“I have Chinese takeout, if you want?” Jeno says as he packs away the supplies into the bedside drawers, in case he needs them again.

They way Renjun’s eyes light up tells Jeno he does.

-

 

_I will return to you._

_I love you._

_Eternally yours._

Jeno wakes up in cold sweat, gasping for air. He takes in the sight of his living room wall, calming himself down, easing his breath. He rolls over and topples onto the floor, groaning in annoyance at the influx of dreadful events. After giving up his bedroom for Renjun, despite the protests, Jeno found himself spending the night on his couch. He looks to the closed door of his room, and wonders if Renjun’s having trouble sleeping as well; if he’s still in pain, or if he’s cold.

Jeno pushes himself off the ground and turns on the heating, then, checks to see if Renjun’s doing okay. He peeks through the door, smiling when he sees Renjun’s small frame curled up in the sheets, fast asleep. As he turns away, the headache returns in bulging pain all over his head, and Jeno resorts to the kitchen for aspirin and water.

Downing the third glass, his head hangs low as he stares down at the empty sink. He thinks back to the dream, the faint voice in his head promising to return, promising their love. Shuffling out, he looks towards the bedroom door and Renjun’s name flashes across his mind, crisp and clear. The voice is Renjun’s, he recognises, but the nagging question as to why, remains.

He rolls his neck and climbs into the couch again, opting to sleep on his thoughts and postpone the burdensome thinking till later.

 

“Thank you for shopping. Have a great day.” Jeno chimes in practiced sing-song. The woman bows before leaving, and the store is empty again. He plonks back down onto his stool, lazily swivelling around in the usual manner. Except, unlike the usual, thoughtless pass-time, Jeno’s mind is plagued with _Renjun._

The morning had saw to Jeno waking up with Renjun sitting and staring at the foot of the couch, claiming he had made breakfast.

_“I don’t have breakfast.”_

_“Well, today you will, as acceptance of my gratitude.”_

Renjun’s attempt at making rolled eggs had turned out awful, but Jeno doesn’t blame him – he has only one good arm after all. In fact, breakfast is so terrible, Jeno had rather skipped it all together. But, as Jeno had sat at the table, across from Renjun, staring at the way the smaller boy nibbled on his food, he didn’t have the heart to express his distaste.

 _“It was terrible,”_ Renjun had said as Jeno was at the door, _“I’ll make up for it.”_

_“You don’t have to.”_

_“I want to.”_

_“..fine. Just, don’t burn my kitchen down, and don’t overwork your shoulder.”_

Jeno stops turning with a firm heel planted on the floor. Impending dread looms over his head, and he silently prays his kitchen remains intact by the time he gets home. The bell rings harshly, alarming Jeno out of daze, as Jaemin barges into the store.

“Jeno!” Jaemin shouts upon seeing him, marching over to the register. “Take off your shirt, now.”

Jeno chokes on air, jumping to his feet. “What?!”

“Your shirt.” Jaemin snaps his fingers, gesturing for him to discard his top. “Off. I need to see if this wound is really just nothing, as you say.”

Jeno panics as Jaemin comes behind the counter to inspect his shoulder.

“Wait, wait.” He pries Jaemin’s fingers off him, holding his hands up in the air to keep him still. “We’re in public.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes, “this is an emergency.” He bites, pulling his hands down to claw at Jeno’s shirt.

“No. Jaemin. Stop.”  He pleads, pushing Jaemin away. “I’m not hurt.”

Jaemin takes a step back, “you lie,” then lunges at Jeno again.

“I swear, I’m not hurt.” Jeno gives up the fight, pulling his shirt down to expose his shoulder.

Jaemin pulls down the other side of his collar to inspect both shoulders, and much to his surprise, Jeno speaks the truth. He frowns, “so, what was that call about?” He steps closer, back Jeno against the counter, boring into his eyes, “what are you hiding from me?”

 

“Jeno, you’re going to get caught, and then you’re going to die. The both of you.”

Jeno stands up from his seat and groans, pacing around the small space. “I know. But I can’t leave him.” There’s a growing ache in his chest, spreading from his heart and stuffing his lungs. A faint image flickers before him, of an embroidered envelope first, then, cut to an empty bed. His fingers go cold, head rocks to the side. “I really can’t –“

Jaemin catches Jeno’s staggering body and hoists him up. “Woah, Jeno. What’s wrong suddenly?” He places a hand to his forehead. “Do you have a fever? How’d you sleep last night?”

Jeno shakes his head and pushes himself off to a stand. “I’m fine.” He assures, blinking the fog out of his sight. “I just, slept poorly.”

Jaemin chews his lips, giving Jeno’s face a once over before checking the time on his watch. “Well, I have to go to work.” He looks around the store, then back to Jeno. “Call me if you need anything. Donghyuck has theatre late today, so he should be free for the rest of the day…”

Jeno nods and shoos Jaemin to the door, reassuring him he’ll be fine. With the store empty once more, he slumps across the countertop for a needed nap.

 

When Jeno arrives home late into the afternoon, the apartment is empty and frigid. Panic tears away at the seams as he searches for a note – any sign of Renjun, of him returning, but, its futile. The dishes in the sink are gone, the bed is made, and the extra roll of gauze Jeno left behind on the desk remains untouched.

Jeno crouches beside his bed, vigorously rubbing at his temples with his hands. He caresses his throat as the feeling of loss rises and burns like bile. The acidity resides in his mouth and numbs his senses. Another image sparks, of sunset and sandy feet and water licking shorelines – and it’s in his lungs, pulling him under.

_Again._

_Again._

“Again. You’re gone again.” He sobs out the hurt of lifetimes prior, as they crash onto him. “Why did you leave me again.”

The weight of Renjun’s departure presses against his ribs, threatening to snap them, and Jeno has yet to figure out why he’s so drugged for a boy he barely knows.

-

Morning arrives with warm sun and gentle strokes through Jeno’s hair. Gently, he’s pulled out of sleep and blinks awake, blurry vision clearing to take in the form of –

“Renjun.” Jeno breathes. His heart heaves and sighs as Renjun perks up and hums. The golden sun holds nothing to the warmth Renjun brings.

“What are you doing, Jeno? You shouldn’t be sleeping like this – your neck will get stiff.”

Jeno promptly straightens up, wincing at the sting in his neck. Renjun rolls his eyes and yanks open the bottom drawer, fishing through the pharmacy bag. Jeno massages his neck as Renjun leaves the room, only to return a few minutes later and place a heat pack to his neck. He holds it there, sitting beside Jeno on the floor as he helps ease the pain.

“Thanks.”

Renjun shakes his head. “This is nothing compared to the help you gave me.”

Jeno musters up the courage to ask, despite knowing his place not to pry. “Where did you go?” _Why didn’t you tell me?_

Renjun looks him in the eyes and remains silent, biting his lip. After a few seconds of silence, Jeno gets it, and doesn’t question further. After all, knowing could cost him his life, and in the world he lives in, ignorance is bliss.

“How’s your shoulder?” He asks instead. Renjun noticeably brightens at the question, rolling his shoulder and working his arm fine.

“Good enough to work a revolver, thank god.” He blurts. Jeno blinks at him, stupefied, watching as Renjun stammers and shakes his head fervently. “I mean, it’s okay. Seen better days, but it’s getting there.”

“You shouldn’t have left without telling me. I thought –“

“That I’d gotten caught? Or I ran away without saying goodbye?”

No, and yes – Jeno thinks. He doesn’t voice his fears though, and Renjun uses the silence that follows as a token that his assumptions are correct.

“Don’t worry, I’m good at what I do, which is none of your business, by the way.” He adds, before Jeno can ask. “Besides, I wasn’t going to leave you without repaying my debt.” Renjun sits up on the bed and pulls Jeno along, resuming back to relieving his stiff neck.

“You don’t have to.” Jeno repeats, but Renjun shakes his head violently.

“No man of the resistance remains indebted to another.” Renjun chants, puffing out his chest, trying to look as stern as possible.

Jeno thinks he looks undeniable adorable instead, so he rolls his eyes and smiles, reaching out to poke Renjun’s cheeks. Renjun freezes at the touch, flinching away once he registers the action. He quirks a brow at Jeno, whose cheeks tinge red as he looks away.

“Sorry.” He mumbles, the clears his throat. “You don’t need to repay me, but if you must, it can’t be cooking. I think I’ve established that you can’t cook from how you managed to burn toast and undercook eggs.”

Renjun grumbles under his breath but accepts the fact anyways. “Then how? Name your price.”

“I don’t know.” Jeno sighs, eyes scanning the room. They wander back to Renjun as he inches closer, then stops, jumping back and throwing his arms over his chest.

“With my –“

Jeno’s body flares up. “No!” He corrects, stopping Renjun mid shriek. “Oh my god, no. Not at all.” He rubs his hands over his face, pulling on his cheeks. “Just,” he breathes out wearily, “sit and get well. That’ll be repayment enough.”

Renjun stares at him blankly, lips pressing into a thin line as Jeno gazes at him softly. He means what he said, with full conviction, and heat floods to Renjun’s cheeks as Jeno continues to stare at him. Renjun tears away from Jeno’s gaze and stand up.

“Let’s order in then. Something super fancy, and I’ll pay.”

Renjun leaves the room to find his phone, while Jeno, flops onto his back and suppresses his raging heart.

-

Jeno has another dream. By now, he should be calling them nightmares seeing as he wakes up panting and on edge, but he settles for dreams because they always revolve around one dark-haired boy living in his home.

Said boy currently eats his way through the confectionary aisle in the store, all in the name of being sickly and needing sugar to spike his energy. He fibs, because in the morning he woke Jeno up by shoving wet hands up his shirt and monstrously cackling as Jeno yelped in shock.

_Feeling sickly my ass._

It’s only been two weeks since Renjun, unofficially, began staying with Jeno – but he feels likes they’ve come far. Other than the constant presence around him, whenever he’s doing anything, his life proceeds normally. He attends classes regularly, bidding Renjun goodbye and making sure to leave food behind lest the latter poison himself. He continues his part-time, sometimes inviting Renjun along so they can watch box TV and eat the food he should be selling. And, when he tutors every other night, is the only time Renjun isn’t there. In fact, Renjun’s never there at night, always leaving just as the sun goes down, and returning before the first sight of dawn.

Frankly, Jeno’s okay with it. The absence allows him time to give himself a pep talk on how he shouldn’t think about kissing Renjun goodbye every time he leaves for class, or whenever they sit for breakfast. On how he shouldn’t want to bite off half the snake-jelly that dangles from Renjun’s lips. And most definitely, on how he should stop wrapping his arms around Renjun whenever he arrives in the cold morning, crawling under the covers, into the spaces between Jeno’s body.

When morning comes, they wake together, tangled in each other. Renjun glows in the humble light that bleeds through the pale curtains, and always, looks more angelic than his nightly profession deems him. Every time he wakes, the questions clamber to his throat and sit on his tongue.

_Where did you go? What did you see? Why can’t you tell me?_

Jeno never voices them, for he knows he might not like the answer. On a random afternoon, while Renjun was showering, a message had popped up on his phone screen that caught Jeno’s eye.

_23, make sure you pass the security codes by this week. We begin once you’ve cracked into the system. Lay low. Stay safe._

He hated that he had an idea on what Renjun’s doing, and even more so, he hated the dread that fell heavy on his tongue, and hard on his heart. Yet, he closed his eyes, and moved on.

Ignorance is bliss, after all.

The foregoing night, as Jeno slept restlessly, he dreamt of a white chapel, Renjun at the altar, kissing the lips of a man he’s never seen. Jeno’s watching, from the sides, unable to move in his spot. Renjun turns, bathed in a white gleam, and smiles. Jeno’s throat closes, and he struggles to breathe. He tears his eyes away, and he’s met with Renjun’s face again. The world tilts, and Jeno’s on his back with Renjun straddling him. He bends down to kiss his lips, and it feels like kissing the heart of a rose. Renjun buries his face into his neck as Jeno wraps his arms around him, rocking him gently. The walls surrounding them are familiar and not all the same. Jeno feels it’s home, but knows that it isn’t – more a distant memory than reality. Then, the world tilts again, and Jeno’s standing at a race track with Renjun nowhere to be seen. A red bike zooms past him, and just like that, Renjun’s name on his tongue, before the figure is disappearing into the void at the end of the road. Jeno strikes at the walls of his mind, begging to be brought back to reality, to escape the nightmare of Renjun leaving. Yet, nothing works, until there’s a small body wriggling into Jeno’s side. When he startles awake, calming at the sight of a fatigued Renjun sound asleep, he holds on and doesn’t let go of the reality he has, until morning comes.

_I’ve loved you before._

Jeno snaps out of his sleepy daze when Renjun slams down a tin of wafers onto the counter.

“I can’t open the wrapper.” He fumes, pouting angrily at the tin. Jeno, silently, thanks whoever can hear him for this reality. Chuckling and teasing Renjun, he cuts open the wrapper with his keys and hands Renjun a chocolate wafer. Renjun takes the stick in his mouth, then takes the tin altogether, settling on the corner table to snack on them.

“Aren’t you supposed to be some sort of secret agent? All strong and what not.” Jeno steps out from behind the register and joins Renjun at the table.

“This thing was vacuumed sealed. That’s different.” Renjun clarifies, shoving four wafer sticks into his mouth at once. The crumbs scatter to the table top as he chews, and Jeno finds himself uncharacteristically not caring. “Don’t underestimate me though.” Renjun says between bites. “I could take you out with one kick to the face.”

Renjun has chocolate stuck to his teeth and a piece of wafer on his chin. Really, he doesn’t look intimidating at all.

“I could never underestimate you.” Jeno says instead, and smiles when Renjun hums in satisfaction. He reaches over to pick off the wafer flake, pressing his thumb to the swell of Renjun’s lip. Renjun flicks out his tongue and swipes the flake off Jeno’s thumb, smirking when the tips of Jeno’s ears go red.

Renjun leans closer to plant a quick kiss to his nose, moving away before Jeno’s brain starts to work again.

“I’m bored. Let’s go home.”

Jeno checks the time to realise it’s way too early for him to sign off. But, the way Renjun says _home_ , and implies that it’s _theirs,_ has him unable to comprehend rationally.

He’s sure Mark can cover for him.

-

There’s a loud crash outside the apartment door. Jeno flinches at the sound, tearing his eyes away from his textbook to blink at the door. Slowly, he rises to the door, pulling it open and jolting back when Renjun collapses at his feet.

“Holy shit.” Jeno curses under his breath, “Renjun, what happened.”

Renjun groans in reply, coughing blood onto the carpet, gripping his stomach. Jeno carries him onto the couch, laying him gently on his back before searching for wound. Prying his cold, clammy hands away, he lifts Renjun’s shirt to expose a large, fresh bruise on his stomach. Its size, and the dried blood at the corners of Renjun’s mouth, indicates a forceful, painful impact. A punch, kick, or slam. Jeno grits his teeth.

Renjun doubles over in pain yet again. His head rocks to the side to face Jeno. He winces, and Jeno takes it as a sign to get ice and medicine immediately. Once the pain has numbed, Renjun finally opens his mouth.

“They found me.” Renjun mumbles. His voice is tainted with both anxiety disappointment; small and barely above a whisper. It cuts through the chords of Jeno’s heart.

He draws a sharp breath, cutting into his windpipe like daggers. “What do you mean?”

Renjun looks away to the ceiling, eyes growing distant and hazy. “They saw my face.” He says with batted breath. “I was so close to figuring out the code to crack open the system, to disable the city’s security. I got ahead of myself. I took too long. I’m so stupid.”

A single tear rolls down his cheek, and the sight floods Jeno’s heart with sorrow.

“It’s okay.” He mumbles, cradling Renjun’s head in his arms. “You’re safe now. You’re with me.”

Renjun closes his eyes and shakes his head, but stays silent. Soothingly, Jeno strokes the hair out of his eyes, coaxing the boy into sleeping his pain away.

 

The morning after, Renjun’s still asleep when Jeno invites Jaemin over. The latter arrives at his doorstep with a pinched expression and the proper first aid kit. Jeno, promptly ignores Jaemin’s look and takes the white box into his hands first, clicking it open to take out the necessities.

“This is like, assisted crime. I could go to jail for this.” Jaemin folds his arms over his chest and frowns as Jeno takes out the abdominal brace. He unravels and scowls – it’s too big.

“You can tighten it by folding it over and clipping it.” Jaemin answers his thoughts, then shakes his head. “You’re not listening to me. Jeno, you could get executed for treason if you get caught, and I could go to jail for simply giving you this. They’ve wired everything and sooner or later, your head will be put on a stake.” He flails his arms around before resting them on Jeno’s shoulders, forcing him to look up. “Why are you still hiding him? Why are you risking so much for him?”

A fog looms over Jeno’s mind at the raised question. He’s sure there’s an answer. He _knows_ the answer because he feels it every time he looks at Renjun. But, it refuses to formulate into words and leave his mouth in the form of a legible, plausible, excuse.

Jaemin takes a step back, nodding in understanding when Jeno chews his lip and looks down at his hands. “Okay.” He breathes out. “Okay.” He says again, louder, and with a light shove past Jeno’s shoulder, he picks up the medical kit and heads to the bedroom. “Show me the patient.”

 

“His heart rate is steady, and the bruising should stop with cold compress.” Jaemin moves to the end of the bed and elevates Renjun’s legs on a stack of cushions. “Should be fine now. Just, he’ll hurt for a while. Probably won’t be able to move with a blow that big, but, if you wrap the band around his waist it’ll keep it straight enough to ease the pain.”

Jeno nods dumbly as Jaemin packs his kit and prepares to leave. “On second thought,” he starts, dropping the box by the door, “you’ll need this. Remember: eat, drink, rest, stretch – and he’ll be fine.”

With that, Jaemin shuts the front door behind him and leaves Jeno to himself, staring blankly at the kit by the door. He looks up at the clock to find that it’s lunch time, and he should’ve been on break had he gone to work. But, with Renjun soundly sleeping with no signs of waking up, and with the previous night’s events, there’s no way Jeno’s leaving him alone.

Silently, he treads back to his room to check on Renjun once more, before retreating to the living room in hopes of busying his mind elsewhere.

-

Like the untouchable force he is, Renjun bounces back quickly, as if he was never hurt at all. He’s out of bed and jumpy in no time, brightening up the small apartment and filling its crevices with his spirit. Jeno welcomes it – from time to time, making sure Renjun doesn’t exert himself. He takes to clinging onto Jeno wherever he goes, from work to home, only leaving him be when Jeno hunches over his table full of notes in preparation for an upcoming test, or when he has students over and Renjun’s made to pretend he doesn’t exist.

Jeno lets him. He lets Renjun wrap his arms around him as he prepares microwavable dinner, lets him sit on the register and suck on gushers as Jeno minds the store, and, when they’re mindlessly staring at the TV, he lets him idly play with his fingers.

He doesn’t mind, because he knows Renjun needs it. For the past few nights, he had been keeping a low profile and staying back, choosing to spend time with Jeno than in the darkness of the night, picking away at the system that holds the regime together. In moment like these, Jeno forgets that Renjun is an artist of espionage, and indulges in the normality of their situation.

Much like now, as Jeno zones in on the news, Renjun laces their fingers together and holds their linked hands up, examining it before piping up, “look how perfectly they fit together!”

Jeno looks away to focus on their hands, then trails his eyes up to Renjun’s face. The urge to kiss him is surreal, pounding away at his head and heart, making his lips tingle. Renjun smiles nervously as Jeno leans closer, closing his eyes until their heads gently knock together, and Jeno pulls away. Renjun pouts, whining and rubbing his head as Jeno chuckles to himself and looks back to the screen.

The scene cuts to NEWS report and a blurry footage of a dark figure, hair mussed and falling over his eyes, staring directly at the camera. Jeno frowns as the reporter carries on, asking the viewers for the third time just that day, if they had seen the man in the photo. Jeno usually switches the channel before Renjun catches a wind of it, but this time, it’s too late. Renjun stares at the photo and squeezes his hand, lips pressed into a thin line, jaws locked. An unreadable fog clouds his eyes, before he blinks it away and buries his face into Jeno’s arm.

Jeno promptly switches the channel.

They’re now watching Tayo and his other bus friends create problems (to later solve themselves), when Jeno gets something in his eye. He blinks rapidly to relieve the itch, only to have whatever it was scratch harder and burn his eye. He starts rubbing at it vigorously with the ball of his palm, when Renjun finally looks over.

“What’s wrong?” He frowns and sits up.

“Nothing.” Jeno mumbles, then curses. “Just something got in my eye and it hurts.”

Renjun gets onto his knees and pries Jeno’s hands away. “Stop doing that, you’re making it worse.”

He throws his leg over Jeno’s and straddles him, tilting Jeno’s head up and gently stretching his eyes open. “Hold still or I’ll end up fishing your whole eye out.”

Jeno nods and gulps, the ‘okay’ dying in his throat as Renjun hovers over his lap, face filling his vision. His heart hammers against his chest at the proximity, and a burning sensation spreads from his chest to his cheeks. Jeno, not knowing what to do with his hands, rests them on either side of the couch, before rethinking and placing them on Renjun’s waist.

Renjun holds Jeno’s cheek in one hand, keeping his face still, and keeps his eye open with two outstretched fingers. With one quick and soft press right against his waterline, Renjun leans back and hold out his finger.

“Eyelash.” He pronounces, then smiles down at Jeno as the latter fumbles for words. Nothing comes out of his mouth, and Jeno’s scared that if he speaks, the fluttering in his stomach would leave in beats of bumbling and incoherent mutters.

“I don’t know if this one counts,” Renjun speaks again, “but, make a wish.” He wiggles his finger around in front of Jeno mouth, slightly ajar. To humour him, Jeno closes his eyes, and the only thing to surface in his mind is, _let us work this time_.

When Jeno opens his eyes again, Renjun smiles and blows the lash away, before meeting Jeno’s gaze, blinking once, slowly. In a moment of bravery, Jeno leans forward and catches Renjun’s lips in his, softly, then pulls back. Renjun blinks again, expression calm with a tinge of annoyance that disappears when he bends down and Jeno meets him halfway.

It’s like the surging explosion of a supernova. A loud crack of matter and mass, collapsing and colliding before one titanic bang.

Heat rushes to the corners of his being from the contact, and his body tingles with the particles from the collision. Jeno’s skin burns and blood rushes to his ears, bursting out in steam.

Renjun pushes hard against his mouth, soft and sweet lips pressing feverishly. Jeno’s could feel his thundering heart rise to his throat, cutting off oxygen and making his head pleasantly numb. Then, Renjun pulls away.

Jeno sucks in air with a sharp wheeze, and Renjun giggles as he settles down in his lap.

“You should breathe through your nose, silly.” But there’s only sweetness to his words.

Jeno blinks down at him, still in a daze, still registering what just happened. Pent up frustration, want, and sadness, all poured out from his heart in one searing kiss – and Jeno feels something slacken its grip on him.

He pulls Renjun closer to his chest and adjusts their position again. “I’ll remember that this time.” Then, he leans in, smiling at the touch of their lips.

It’s like coming home.

-

Jeno’s life evidently brightens after that. The feeling that comes with loving Renjun, and being loved back, he can’t put into words. It’s like he’s waited for this, gone on a long journey for this, passed lives for this, and now, Renjun has finally returned to him.

The nightmares stop as soon as Renjun decides their sleeping position would consist of his head on Jeno’s chest and legs tangled intangibly in the others. It’s hot, and stuffy, and Jeno barely has room to move – but it’s perfect.

He discovers, that Renjun talks a lot. He tells Jeno of the world outside the wall. About beaches, and road trips, and more channels on TV than Jeno could ever imagine. Jeno doesn’t speak out, but when Renjun describes the feeling of wet sand under his feet, the sound of the sea, and sight of the sun melting against the water, Jeno feels it, hears it, and sees it all, clearly. It appears fresh in his mind like a distant memory, and he can’t help but wish to experience it with Renjun.

_Again._

Jeno quickly learns of the man behind the texts – Renjun’s supervisor and _big brother,_ as he likes to call him. Sicheng and Renjun have been together since childhood – since the great divide – and as Renjun puts it, they are each other’s family. He says it wistfully, and his eyes grow distant whenever he speaks of his home. It gnaws on Jeno’s heart.

Perhaps it’s the weight subsiding on his shoulders, but he’s freer than when Jeno first met him. The subtle darkness to his face has been swapped with a golden gleam – full of life, full of love.

Renjun likes to leave kisses on his cheeks, on his nose, and his lips; in the morning, afternoon, night, and everything in between. It fills the chambers of Jeno’s heart with adoration, and love. Renjun brings light to his once bleak world, and Jeno wonders how he’s ever lived before this – if he’s even _lived_ , at all.

For a while, Jeno’s pulled into the dream that this is how their life plays out. With Renjun still keeping MIA from the task force, Jeno is filled with the hope that maybe, just maybe, it’ll all blow over and one day, he’ll be able to take Renjun out on a proper date.

Reality comes knocking soon enough, crashing down on their short-lived high.

Jeno opens the door one afternoon to a group of men – bulletproof vests, gold badges, and terror. His heart drops to his feet, and the first thought that flashes across Jeno’s mind is simply, _Renjun._

From the corner of his eye, he spots Renjun dash into the bathroom and lock the door. He exhales, then returns his eyes to the men before him.

“ – We’re looking for the Resistance agent who was last spotted entering this avenue. Have you spotted any suspicious action happening in the building, or in this vicinity?”

Jeno fixes his expression. Calm and easy. “No. I haven’t seen anything.”

The officer scowls and steps aside for a taller, suited man to come forward. He pushes his dark lenses up and clears his throat. Without reading his expression, Jeno knows he doesn’t believe him. He grips onto the handle of the door, knuckles threatening to tear through skin, barring the men from venturing further.

“We appreciate your honesty.” He says, with a slight lilt to his tone. “But we are going to need to check your apartment.”

“And if I don’t allow you to?”

“This is simply protocol. We all must abide.” Says the first officer.

“ – and if you have nothing to hide, there should not be an issue.” The man cuts in.

Jeno clenches his teeth. “Well, do you have a permit.”

“This is a serious matter that involves –“

“ – the law.” Jeno finishes, “but, it is illegal to search, or even enter, private property without a permit.”

The man squints at him, then nods firmly and fixes his frames again. “Right. Have a good afternoon. We’ll be in touch.”

Jeno holds his breath and the group begin to file out of the hallway and disappear down the stairs. When they’re no longer in sight, Jeno breathes and closes his eyes, slowly counting to calm his nerves before shutting the door.

The apartment is eerily quiet. It’s odd, because a month ago, this was Jeno’s every day. Now, he fails to recognise his own home without the sound of Renjun’s voice filling it.

“Renjun?” He calls tenderly, leaning against the bathroom door. There’s no sound but a sniffle, and it break Jeno’s heart. “I’m coming inside.”

Jeno pushes the door open to Renjun, knees to his chest, crawled up against the shower wall. He leans his cheek against his knee and sniffles again. Jeno takes a seat beside him.

“It’s okay. They’re gone now.”

Renjun shakes his head. “No… they’ll be back. They won’t give up. They didn’t for the others until they killed them. And they’ll do the same to me.”

This time, Jeno’s the one shaking his head furiously. “Don’t say that. That’s not true –“

“And I put you in danger too. Just by being here, I put you in danger.” Renjun chokes on his words, sobs bubbling into his sentences. “I’m so sorry.”

“Nothing’s going to happen. It’ll blow over if they don’t see you again.” Jeno takes Renjun’s small frame into his arms. The coldness from the tiles bleed through his shirt as he adjusts their position, so Renjun’s settled between his legs.

Renjun takes a deep breath, exhaling out shakily, “I’m just, so, so tired.”

Jeno cups his face and presses a kiss to his lips. Once. Twice. Three times, then rubs their noses together. “It’s okay. I’ve got you. You’ll be safe here with me.”

_I’m not going to lose you again._

-

“I’ve done this before.” Jeno says on a frigid night, huddled under the warmth of a blanket, and each other. They’ve moved to the roof for some cliché stargazing, as Renjun calls it, but Jeno insists because it’s the only way their worlds connect - under the endless night sky, unbroken by the wall.

Renjun leans back against his check and chuckles. “Done what before.”

“Loved you like this.”

Renjun’s brows knit together, and he turns slightly to read Jeno’s expression. “Where did that come from?”

Honestly, Jeno doesn’t know where it came from. He’s just sure of it – he feels it everywhere. “I don’t know. I’ve just always loved you.”

Renjun hums in amusement. “Oh really? For how long?”

Jeno wraps his arms around Renjun’s chest and nuzzles against his neck. There’s a voice in his head telling him ‘forever’, and it’s what Jeno feels too. “Ever since I met you, I think.”

Renjun scoffs and shakes his head, still basking in Jeno’s embrace. “Pretty avantgarde, don’t you think? Falling in love with someone who’s got a price on their head.”

Jeno doesn’t reply because he knows Renjun wouldn’t understand. Frankly, neither does he. How is he supposed to explain that he knows, in his heart of hearts, that he’s been in love with Renjun all his life, and even before that?

“I think,” Renjun interrupts his thoughts, “that I love you too. Maybe.”

Jeno pouts in mock hurt. “Maybe?”

Renjun cranes his head around to pull Jeno in for a slow, languid kiss; stroking his cheeks, tucking hair behind his ears, and dragging his fingers lightly over Jeno’s jaw.

“That didn’t feel like a maybe.” Jeno says when the pull apart, making Renjun jab at his chest. Jeno chuckles and kisses the back of Renjun’s head.

The city within the wall shuts off at curfew, two hours before midnight – drowning them in darkness. Yet, when Jeno looks past the sleeping city, the world beyond blinks on. It’s like the city never sleeps. Or, there’s always someone awake, even in the dead of night, reassuring Jeno that he’s not alone.

The world beyond is Jeno’s night sky on earth. Always awake. Always there. Always shining brightly. And always, lightyears away.

“Wow!” Renjun marvels, head tilted towards the sky above. Jeno tears his eyes away from the scene before him to follow Renjun’s line of sight. “It’s so pretty!”

“Yeah, it is.” Jeno agrees softly, resting his cheek on Renjun’s head.

“We don’t get to see the stars from home. It’s always too bright.” Jeno hums and wraps the blanket tighter around them. “It’s like a whole different view. Back home, whenever I look up at night, all I see are the soft rings of light omitting from the buildings, and then beyond that is just nothing.”

For Jeno, the stars didn’t interest him anymore – not after years of the same view. But right now, gazing at them with Renjun by his side, it’s a whole new view. Suddenly, the sky twinkles brighter, and makes up for the abysmal void that the city becomes every night.

Renjun draws a shaky breath, and something snaps in his mind. “Jeno…”

“ – no.”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to say.”

Renjun turns in his lap to face Jeno, who waits for him to continue. “I got the call to retreat.”

Jeno releases a breath he didn’t no he was holding. He tries to breathe again, but the air pricks his lungs. “No.” He says again. Softer. Sterner.

Renjun kneels and cups Jeno’s face, kissing his head. “I have to go back.”

There’s a familiar pang that hits his heart. A dull, but stifling ache that casts over Jeno’s mind. Blood rushes to his ears and rings like an alarm. There’s lead in his mouth, and he finds nothing to say.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t be here for no reason. I have a task to finish. People are depending on me.”

“They can get someone else.” Jeno mumbles into Renjun’s neck. It’s childish, but it’s all he has.

“No, they can’t. I’m all they have left for this task.”

“But what about me?” Jeno asks fearfully. His voice quakes and cracks and breaks everywhere. “Am I not reason enough to stay?”

Renjun replies by pressing a kiss to Jeno’s lips, returning to embrace him after. “You’re my only reason right now. And the reason why I need to continue. I can’t just quit. It’s selfish. No one wants to risk their lives to plan and execute a revolt. But everyone, wants to be with their families. Everyone here, I’m sure, wants to leave. You understand that, right?”

Jeno hates that he does. He nods against Renjun’s chest and sighs.

“That’s why my team has to do it. Someone has to, and we’re the best our people have.” He gently rocks their bodies, tightly wrapping around Jeno’s arms in defence from the cold breeze biting through their clothes. “Before you, it was meaningless to me. It didn’t affect me. I just needed something to fulfil before my life waned. Now,” he pulls away and locks eyes with Jeno, gaze whirling with sincerity, “my purpose is you. I want to be with you, freely.” He clasps Jeno’s fingers and warms them up in his palms, smoothing over the skin. “You have to let me go, okay?”

Jeno sniffs, pressing his ear against the steady beat of Renjun’s heart and mumbles, “okay.”

“Can we please go inside now?” Renjun shivers audibly, tone shifting to suit a more light-hearted mood. “My fingers are freezing off.”

-

There’s a tempest growing inside Jeno’s veins when he wakes up the next morning and finds Renjun gone. He leaves a note, clamped under the bedside lamp.

_I’ll see you soon._

_I love you._

The storm crashes against the edge of his mind, edge of his skin, and rips him open. His vision clouds, and a faint memory fills out the rest of the empty lines with, _I will return to you. Eternally, yours._

He claws at his skin, trying to rid himself of the dreadful fear repressing his mind. It’s happened before, and it’s happening again. Jeno just wants it to stop. He’s tired of feeling left behind, like he can never win, but he’s not willing to let go of Renjun.

Part of him wants to believe that Renjun will stick to his words – that he’ll come back, and this time, everything will work out. But the probing from weeks ago returns like an earth-shattering awakening, that it won’t.

And yet, Jeno neatly folds the note and tucks it into his wallet.

 

After that, Jeno’s life goes on. His once mundane days are tinged with bitterness. Out of habit, Jeno keeps aside fruit loops, gushers, and wafers from work. They pile up in his kitchen cabinet, before eventually, expiring.

He plays the morning cartoon runs that Renjun always woke up early for while he studies. It makes the apartment less quiet, and reminds him of Renjun. In fact, there isn’t anywhere that doesn’t remind him of Renjun. He’s left his trace on every surface of Jeno’s apartment, and when Jeno closes his eyes, he’s still there.

A restless calm covers the city. The police patrolling the streets dwindle down, and the ruckus televised on the NEWS eventually wanes away. It’s as if Renjun didn’t exist at all.

Like a storm, Renjun left with the wind, leaving Jeno in ruins.

 

“So, he just left like that?”

Jaemin rolls over on his stomach and faces Jeno on the couch. The TV plays a movie neither of them are paying attention to; too caught up in the woes of Jeno’s life.

Jeno nods, pressing his lips into a taut line and staring blankly just over the fuzz of Jaemin’s mussed hair. Jaemin hums in reply and turns away.

“Do you ever feel like,” Jeno starts softly, making Jaemin face him, “you’ve been chasing something your whole life, or maybe, even more than that?”

Jaemin frowns and gets to his knees, squinting at Jeno. “You’re not making much sense.” He crawls closer and leans on the couch. “Do you want to talk about something?”

Hugging his knees, Jeno pouts and shrugs, unsure of how to explain the overwhelming sense of déjà vu suffocating him, ever since Renjun’s arrival, and departure. Despite the direct implication that Renjun will return, an irritating prick eats away at his mind, that he won’t. It tells him that, he hasn’t before, so why should he now?

At nights, Jeno screws his eyes shut and forces himself to piece together the fragmented images at the back of his mind. Always, he arrives to Renjun. When all else is smudged, like fresh gel ink rubbed on paper, Renjun is the only clarity.

“Think of it this way,” Jeno’s eyes dart to Jaemin as the latter sits beside him. “You’ve loved, and now maybe, this is a sign that it isn’t meant to be.” Jeno frowns at that and shakes his head. “Not that I’m saying it’s a good thing he’s gone,” Jaemin catches himself. “I mean, the last thing I want is my best friend to be in misery. But, I also don’t want you living your life on edge just to be with a boy who,” he flails his arms around in explanation, “can’t leave the house because his face might get recognised or,” he waves again, floundering on his words, “is going to put your life and liberty at stake.” He rests a hand over Jeno’s and looks him in the eyes. “You’re my priority. You may love him, but at what cost? You’re my friend, and I’m not losing you.”

Jeno looks away and doesn’t answer. There’s nothing to say, because Jaemin’s right for the most of it. If Renjun were here, right now and forever, he’d be confined to the walls of the apartment and the ungodly hours of the night. There’d always be a slither of a chance, that someone at the grocery store, or at the Malaysian restaurant down the street that Jeno frequents (and where he wants to take Renjun), would recognise him and all would be hell from then on.

But still, Jeno just can’t let go.

“I’ve got to go now,” Jaemin rises and stretches his limbs, “it’s getting late.”

Jeno escorts him to the door in silence, lips pressed into a permanent thin line.

“Will you be okay?”

Jeno nods, and Jaemin sighs.

“Okay. Feel better soon. I’ll be a phone call away.”

-

Jeno’s misery ends with the arrival of Renjun on his doorstep, a few weeks later. Like a star, he arrives at the dead of night, bright and blinding, and has Jeno’s heart hurtling across the galaxy at death-defying speed. “I hope I’m not too late.” Renjun says, shy smile tugging at his lips.

Jeno shakes his head; breathless, mind on overdrive. “No, you’re not. It’s only, 3 in the morning.”

Renjun’s face splits into a grin, and Jeno mirrors, with the widest smile in weeks, scooping Renjun into his arms without a breaths space for speaking.

“Jeno,” Renjun pats his chest, straining his words, “I can’t breathe.”

Jeno releases his hold, letting Renjun regain his balance on both feet before capturing his lips into a long-awaited kiss. Renjun’s hand curls against his shirt, using the other to grip Jeno’s arm and lift himself onto his toes.

“I missed you.” Jeno breathes against his lips, kissing him again.

“I see that.” Renjun teases and smiles, throwing his hands over his neck, letting Jeno lift him onto his waist. “I missed you too.” He pats his cheek lovingly, kisses his nose gently, then hops off. “I got you something.” He turns around to his bag abandoned by the door, pulling out a plastic camera. “It’s called a view-master. You press the shutter like you would a normal camera,” he pushes the lens towards Jeno, beckoning him to lean in, “and with every click, the reel changes to a new photo.” Renjun presses the shutter, changing the slide to a picture of the beach. Then, with another click, it cuts to a closeup of a crab, with Renjun’s toes just barely poking into the frame. Another, and it’s a photo of Renjun, posing beside the crab with a peace sign, sun disappearing into golden bursts behind him. Renjun pulls the camera away and places it in Jeno’s hands, lingering. “Do you like it?” He looks at their hands, tracing a finger over the body of the camera, onto the tips of his outstretched fingers. “There was a lot of stuff going on and,” he sighs, collecting his words, “I wanted to do something to distract myself, but all I wanted to do was see you so – I’m sorry if it’s too cheesy.” He finally looks up, gaze brimming with both love and fear, cheeks dusted pink.

Jeno’s chest swells with feeling. He wraps his fingers over the camera, holds it his chest, “I love it.”

Renjun deflates out of relief, bursting into a storm of giggles when Jeno hauls him over the shoulder and carries him to the bedroom. He sets him down on the bed, pressing a finger to Renjun’s lips to hush him. “We can talk tomorrow. Now, I just want to sleep with you in my arms.”

Renjun scrunches his nose and mock-gags. “That’s gross.”

Rolling his eyes, Jeno pushes him into the mattress, attacking him with kisses, happiness fluttering in chest.

 

 “What’s happening with the – _uhh_ –” Jeno waves his hands around, picking his words wisely. They’re prepping a late breakfast, almost lunch, the next day, when Jeno decides they need to sort their future out now. Renjun however, doesn’t seem to keen.

“I don’t know.” Renjun cuts him off, moving to the sink to wash the tomatoes. Jeno nods dumbly and keeps quiet.

“Is everything okay?” He asks, a couple of minutes later – softly, so Renjun doesn’t bite.

“Of course.” Renjun chirps, albeit, too quickly. He turns away from Jeno and starts chopping the tomato, slicing the fruit rather viciously. The blade bites the chopping board, and it slips with every move. Jeno gulps.

“You sure there isn’t something you’re not telling me?”

Renjun shakes his head, “nope.”

Jeno sighs and lets the subject go. He just got Renjun back, and he’d rather not drive him away with constant prying. There’s also the tickle at the back of his mind, that he’d rather not know.

“Look!” Renjun turns around to display a cut tomato, cupped in his hands. “It’s a tomato-rose!”

Jeno mirrors his glee, kissing his crown lightly. “It looks great. Too bad we need diced tomatoes and not rose ones.”

Renjun grumbles but complies, dicing the tomatoes quickly before tossing them in with the eggs. As he throws them in, drops of water hit the flame and it hisses loudly. The fire licks at the sides of the pan, burning and crackling. Renjun stares absentmindedly and whispers, almost inaudibly, “I got cut.”

Jeno freezes at the confession. Without turning back, he nods slowly and sighs, rubbing his lips together. Renjun reaches out to clip his fingers on the back of Jeno’s sweater, and Jeno reaches around to loosely take his hand, rubbing his knuckles in silent reassurance.

 

“I mean, it’s better than me quitting, to be let off.” Renjun expresses, later that day, feet dangling off the side of the washing machine as Jeno sorts his laundry. He holds out the corner of the bed sheet for Renjun to help fold, nodding as he speaks. “And it wasn’t much of a shock, when they told me.” He rests his head against the wall and sighs. “But I’m just, kind of lost now. My crew was my family. My job was my life. I’ve been doing it for so long, that I just – I don’t know…”

Jeno pulls him into a hug, stroking his back, and Renjun relaxes in his arms. He lifts him off the washer and to the living room, settling themselves down on the couch, stroking the hair out of Renjun’s eyes and pulling his head to his chest. Renjun snuggles closer, and exhales – shattered and slow.

“Was it because of me?” Jeno voices the question stabbing away at his mind. He knows the answer already – an inkling tells him so – but when he hears it from Renjun’s mouth, the truth slaps hard.

“No, no.” Renjun tries to deny, lifting his head to look Jeno in the eye. “At the end, I made a subconscious choice, and they found out without me telling them.” He looks away, scratching the tip of his nose, and chuckles lightly. “I think the captain just noticed I was drifting off a bit, and decided this was best.” He cups Jeno’s cheeks, pulling his face forward to rub their noses together. “Hey, don’t make that face.” Pushing the corners of Jeno’s mouth up, he smiles. “Much better! This is a good thing! I get to start over! Live a normal life! I’m going to be fine… we’re, going to be fine.”

Jeno puckers to just barely, kiss Renjun’s lips, and prays that he’s right.

-

They’re fine, for the next few weeks. Renjun stays cooped up in the apartment for most of it, adopting hobbies such as binging soap operas and proceeding to detail all of it to Jeno whenever he’s home, as well as art – which they both discover, he has a talent for. It keeps Renjun’s mind off the fact that his life has taken a drastic turn, and allows him to create anew. It makes Jeno happy, seeing Renjun steadily find his feet again.

When they can, and with peace restored, Jeno pulls down a cap and hood onto Renjun and takes him out to explore the city. Despite having lived here his whole life, Jeno barely knows his home town – so he takes him to the park, food stops, and his campus. Renjun appreciates it the first couple of times, then takes to researching more tourist appropriate locations. He makes Jeno promise to take him to the museum, and planetarium, and galleria – and Jeno swears that he will.

Other days, it’s back to raiding the confectionary aisle for Renjun, as he spends the day at Jeno’s work – like now.

“Let me read your palm!” Renjun bounces over from behind the shelves, cheap fortune-telling starter pack rattling in his hand.

“Do you even know how?”

Renjun shrugs, hauling himself onto the stool behind the counter. “I’ll learn quick.”

After a few minutes of tearing open the packet and fumbling through the manual, he tosses it onto the table. “That doesn’t make sense at all, so, let’s just go with the flow.”

Jeno sighs and shakes his head, but sticks his palm out anyway. Renjun takes it onto his lap, chewing his lip in feigned seriousness. He wiggles his nose, tracing over the lines in his palm.

“From what I can deduce –“

“Oh god –“

“Shush! I’m serious!” He clears his throat. “I can deduce that, you will have a very long life!” He points to a curved line around the base of his thumb. “Look! No breaks, no mess! You’ll live long and healthy!”

“Okay. I trust you.” Jeno replies, humouring him. “What else do you see?”

“I see, also a very long and curved heart line.”

“And what does that mean?”

Renjun looks up and smirks playfully, glint in his eyes. “It means that your heart is faithful, and loving, and very sensitive.” He pats Jeno’s cheek and coos. “Aww, a big softie, are you?”

Jeno leans into the touch and sneaks a kiss onto Renjun’s palm. Then, taking it into his own, he places it onto his lap. “Let me do you now.” He scans through the guide, picking up the important information then throwing the paper aside. “Hmm, looks like a very long head line, so, you’re smart or something. Not that I see it –“

“Hey!” Renjun shouts indignantly and pinches Jeno’s thigh, causing Jeno to flinch in his seat.

“Sorry, sorry!” He leans in for a kiss, and with a whine, Renjun gives in.

“Okay, now, your life line looks… a bit short… and broken…”

Renjun frowns and peers closer. “What does that mean?”

Jeno checks the paper and scowls. It indicates loss and accidents, and everything else Jeno doesn’t want to think about.

“It just means you’ll get sick, but recover quickly.”

Renjun visibly brightens at that, shoulders pushed back and eyes gleaming. “Oh! I think I’ve passed that already!” He pats his stomach.

Jeno recalls the event and nods, urging his reluctant mind to agree that that’s exactly what it means. He scratches the back of his head, trying to soothe the persistent itch.

“You know this isn’t real, right?” Jeno adds, when Renjun casts gloomy eyes over the paper and down at his hands.

“Are you saying you’re _not_ faithful and loving and will sacrifice your whole life and heart to me?” Renjun gasps.

“No – what?” He shakes his head, “not that. Of course, I’ll sacrifice my whole life for you! But that doesn’t depend on these readings. It depends on us.”

Renjun’s eyes grow wide, blinking slowly, taking in Jeno’s confession. “Babe, I was kidding.” He chuckles, “I know it’s not real.” Cupping Jeno’s hands on his thigh and inching closer, he smiles shyly. “It’s nice to know you value me like that, though.”

Renjun blushes prettily, blinks slowly as he looks down at their hands. It pushes Jeno to gingerly tilt his face and press their lips together. Renjun’s eyes flutter close, and his breath tickles his skin. He’s drowning in the serene moment, lost in feeling – until a throat clears.

The pair break apart instantly, a furious blush spreading to their cheeks at being caught. It’s the store-owner, smiling fondly at Jeno’s heavily embarrassed expression.

“Oh dear, no need to be so shy.” She adds, stepping closer to the counter. She perches her glasses that hang around her neck, onto her nose, and peers closely between the two. “I’m just sad you didn’t tell me you have a boyfriend.”

Jeno laughs awkwardly, rubbing the back of his nape. The grandma steps closer to Renjun and squints, while Renjun shrinks in his seat, fiddling with the hem of his jacket. For a split second, Jeno catches a frown dart across her face, before it’s masked by fondness as she turns back to Jeno.

“I’m just here to check up on the store and let you know that Mark is keen on taking more shifts, so you won’t have to come in as much.”

Jeno nods and thanks her, and with a warm pat to his cheek, she leaves as silently as she came.

“Weird.” Renjun professes.

“No, she’s sweet.”

Renjun shrugs and returns to the tarot cards in the pack, evidently moving on from his first encounter with someone of this city. He’d been reluctant to meet Jaemin, and Jeno thinks from this, he’ll be more open to meeting his friends; and, with the time off work, he might finally be able to take Renjun on a proper tour.

“Pick three cards.” Renjun interrupts his thoughts, splaying out a set of cards towards him. Jeno chooses randomly, letting Renjun place them onto the table to inspect.

“Hmm, something about love – I can tell from the big heart and the two people embracing –“

“No kidding –“

“Hush!” He wiggles his nose in concentration, again, and Jeno makes a mental note of it as Renjun’s cutest habit. “These three cards tell me, that your love is written in the stars – see all the planets – and that fate will have the upper hand in all your romantic endeavours.”

Jeno quirks an eyebrow, “is that what they really mean?”

“Yes, don’t doubt my skills. Now, they also read that you will be forever doomed to chase after your lover, much like the planets that chase the sun. See here.” He points to an image of the sun in one card, and the planets in another, with absolutely no correlation between them.

Jeno breaks into a smile at Renjun’s ad-libbed claims, but somehow, simultaneously, his heart falters. He steals a glance at Renjun, and knows that he is – no matter how illogical – right. It makes him shudder.

Yet, he muses, as swift images of past lives and distant memories flicker behind his eyes, if Renjun is the sun, then Jeno would, willingly, burn in his fire. The thought, and intense emotion that follows terrifies him.

“I better be the lover because otherwise we’re going to have some issues.” Renjun mutters under his breath.

Jeno laughs and pulls Renjun into his lap, planting reassuring kisses all over him.

-

Like all fires, they’re destined to burn out.

There arrives a brash beating at his door, one nonchalant afternoon, when the sun is high and bright, and Renjun’s out on the balcony, basking in the rays.

Jeno groans from his comfortable seat in front of the TV and gets to the door, muttering curses at whoever resides behind it. When he opens the door, his stomach drops.

The familiar faces of the government officials stare back, jaws clenched and hands wrapped around their arms. Bells go off in his mind as it fleets to Renjun, and he bites hard onto his tongue to prevent him from cursing aloud.

“Can I help you?” He asks coolly.

The front man wordlessly flashes him a warrant paper, granting permission to search the premises without consent. Jeno gulps. Sweat gathers on the back of his nape and on his brow. His heart rises to his throat, and his stomach swirls.

The men show no sign of mercy, so unwillingly, Jeno steps aside and lets them in. Frantically, he walks a few paces ahead as they check through the rooms. As they near his bedroom, he steps ahead to open the door, eyes darting to the balcony across where Renjun – isn’t there.

An invisible grip releases his heart and he breathes deeply, thankful for Renjun’s sharp wits. He’d forgotten for a second that Renjun was trained for such situations his entire life. The men search the room, scowling at the lack of evidence. The front man looks towards Jeno with a deep grimace.

“Do you live alone?”

Jeno blocks out the hammering in his chest to answer calmly. “Yes.”

The man looks at under the bed and fishes out Renjun’s slippers. “What about this?”

“My friend often stays with me. He lives far, so when he comes over, he stays.” He lies, biting the insides of his cheeks.

“Do you recognise this man?” The officer asks, holding up the CCTV shot of Renjun. The photo is sharper and brighter, and his face is exposed in plain sight. Jeno swallows thickly, and shakes his head. “We’ve gotten a report that this man was spotted around the area. It is important that you cooperate with our task to preserve the sanctity of this city.”

“I haven’t seen him.” Jeno reasserts, clearer and louder.

The officer glares, face set and eyes boring into Jeno’s. Each strike of the clock sounds louder in Jeno’s ear, as his vision starts to fog. Finally, he breaks his gaze away and Jeno breathes, blinking his bleary eyes to clarity.

“Move out!” The man barks, and before long, the group are filing to the front door. He stops to face Jeno once more, a firm hand gripping the door, preventing Jeno from slamming it shut.

“We will be scouring the neighbourhood from this week. If you have any reports,” his eyes flash, voice lilts, “to make, please do so.”

With that, the man shuts the door behind him. Jeno’s knees finally give way as he collapses to the floor, mentally and emotionally exhausted from the anxiety. He punches his chest in hopes to stop his hurt from wrenching in his chest.

Thousands of thoughts race through his mind. Everything was turning out for the better. Thing were becoming peaceful. How did it all start go wrong again? How did this witch-hunt start again?

His mind goes silent when he hears the slide of the balcony door. Jumping to his feet, he rushes to the bedroom to greet a thrown Renjun, swooping the boy off his feet and into a bone-crushing hug. Jeno pets his hair and tightens his embrace, whispering words of reassurance into Renjun’s ear. When he realises Renjun is frigid, he pulls away.

Renjun’s arms are stiff at his sides. His small, delicate hands are red, puffy, and rough, as they tremble. Jeno cups them within his own, kisses his fingers, and hug him again. Renjun sniffs, finally, looping his arms around Jeno waist and gripping tightly onto the back of his shirt. He releases a shaky breath that breaks into choked sobs. Jeno runs his hand up and down his back, hushing him as he continues to bawl in fits of choked cries, slotting in apologies that Jeno assures aren’t needed.

When the day ends with the drop of the sun, Renjun tires himself out, and falls asleep.

-

Jeno wakes at the heart of the night, to the sound of a zipper being pulled, and the sight of Renjun, throwing his backpack over his shoulder. Frantically Jeno sits up straight and pulls on Renjun’s arm.

“Where are you going?”

Renjun appears shocked at seeing Jeno awake, then, his face morphs into one of remorse. “Jeno, I have to go. You saw what happened. You heard what they said. I can’t stay here.”

“Yes, you can! I’ll protect you!” Jeno argues, panic flooding his veins.

“For how long?!” Renjun hisses, and it stings Jeno painfully. “I’m placing you in danger, and what we thought would work is obviously never going to here. I thought –“ He takes a deep breath, hands fumbling its way to Jeno’s. “I thought I could start anew here, with you. But, that’s obviously not the case.” He leans in against Jeno’s forehead, holding his gaze. “I’m so sorry. You have to let me go, for the both of us. Okay?” Jeno shakes his head and pulls away from Renjun’s touch. “Jeno please –“

“No. I’m not letting you go again.” He argues, climbing off the bed and heading straight for his closet. “I’m not losing you again.” Jeno fishes around his closet for a set of clothes. He throws his textbooks onto the table and shoves the clothes inside, along with his laptop and chargers.

“Jeno,” Renjun calls, making to his side, “what are you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I’m going with you. If here is the problem for us, then we go elsewhere.”

Renjun gapes, dumbfounded. He trails after Jeno as he flies around the apartment in search of what else to pack. “Jeno, don’t do this. Please not for me. You have a life here. Work, and friends, and studies. You can’t leave it all for me.”

Jeno stops abruptly and faces Renjun, causing him to steer to a halt and look up at Jeno’s earnest stare. “Don’t you see? None of that means anything without you. Before you, my life here didn’t mean anything to me. I was just living because I had to. I found you, and, I knew what I was living for.”

Renjun shakes his head, tears streaming down his cheeks. “No, no, Jeno, that’s your heart talking. That’s not right.” He tries again, pulling Jeno’s arm back as he clears the apartment of necessities. “You need to think with your head, remember? Head trumps heart!”

Jeno stops in his tracks. A sudden scene of Renjun, in a lab, repeating the same words to him, flashes across his mind. He turns around with the question burning on the tip of his tongue. _Does Renjun know too, of the memories that playback in his mind? Does Renjun get them too?_

Renjun rips Jeno’s bag away and hold it to his chest. His face is swollen, eyes are puffy, and there are streaks of tears staining his soft cheeks. Jeno steps closer and tilts his chin up, stroking a stray tear away. He searches Renjun’s glassy eyes for an answer, but he sees nothing but pools of grief. He bends down to drop a kiss to Renjun’s forehead, gently taking the bag back.

“I really can’t be without you again. I really, want us to be together, somewhere better. Please, let me come with you.”

With a defeated sigh, Renjun pulls Jeno into a quick kiss, and whispers against his lips, “okay.”

 

They move quick through the dark streets. Renjun leaves his bike behind, lest they make a scene, and Jeno sends a lengthy text to Jaemin – thanking him, and telling him he loves him – then leaves it behind under his pillow.

Renjun moves faster than Jeno assumed, and has him running to keep up. Eventually, Renjun turns around and takes his hand, matching up their pace. Along the way, Jeno looks around at the streets he learned to call home, realising now that they’ve never held the familiarity of what a home should be. When Renjun asks him what he’ll miss the most, he answers nothing.

“Jaemin. I’ll miss him.”

“He sounds like a good friend, the way you put it.”

“He – he’s a great friend. He helped me keep you alive, after all.”

Renjun whips his head around, expression pinched with curiosity. Jeno faces forward, and doesn’t look around anymore. After an hour of silence, Renjun finally speaks up again.

“We’re here.”

Jeno takes in his surroundings. He’s at the outskirts of the city – an area he once only saw from the bridge. There’s no door to pass through, as Jeno figured – just miles and miles of dull cement. He checks the time – a half hour to dawn; a half hour till the city wakes.

Renjun turns to his side. “Jeno are you –“

“Positive. Now, where to next?”

Renjun licks his lips and points down the stretch of the wall. “We keep walking left. There’s a door for the guards to get on top. I can pick that so we can go up. Then, there’s a large, old oak with branches that extend just barely to the wall. We can use that to get off.”

“Oh. That’s not –“

“Guards.” Renjun hisses, pulling Jeno behind a nearby bush. A beacon of light streams just past them, before switching off. Renjun slackens his grip on Jeno’s wrist. “You have to be careful. They will shoot on sight.” He scans the coast before standing up. “Okay, let’s go.”

The snake through the trees and down the wall before finally, arriving at a small, grey door, hidden in the concrete. Renjun fishes a switchblade from his pocket and jams it into the keyhole, lifting the but until the lock clicks – in well-practiced fashion. He tucks the blade away and slowly pulls the door open, letting Jeno in first before sealing it behind them.

Inside, there’s a large space with bed rests which Jeno connects, are for the guards. The grey walls from the external front continue within, and the endless hall is lit with single bulbs every few metres. Further down is a tall stairway leading to the top. Renjun takes his hand again and leads ahead.

“This way.”

Renjun pushes Jeno onto the steep staircase first, repeatedly turning his head on the lookout. Jeno’s halfway up when footsteps sound close by. He looks up to spot someone step onto the stairway, and scrambles to get down.

“A guard’s coming down!” He hisses, and pulls Renjun aside. The wind traps in his throat as the footsteps suddenly get louder and faster, thumping down the stairs.

“Who’s there?!”

“Jeno, run!” Renjun pushes Jeno further down the hall, trailing close behind. The heavy footsteps get faster and closer with every stride, and Jeno’s lungs start to give out.

“Jeno!” Renjun calls and pulls him up another stairway he nearly missed.

The guard shouts down the hall and sounds the signal for back up. A siren blares through the closed space and bleeds into Jeno’s head. He winces at the sound, but focuses on following Renjun up the stairs. Renjun pulls him up the last few steps before they’re both standing on top of the giant wall, facing Jeno’s city. He takes a deep breath, before Renjun drags him down the path. He turns back to see four guards sprinting towards them. The blood drains from his face when one steadies his gun and fires. In a split second, Renjun throws him behind a pillar as the shot goes off. The sound echoes in Jeno’s ear, drowns out his thoughts.

Immediately, Renjun’s on his feet again, pulling Jeno up and running to another stairway. As they jump down, guards swarm them from both sides, following close behind. Jeno’s heart beats thunderously in his ears. His mind shatters from lack of air and the fear claws away at his throat. He grips Renjun’s hand tighter – his only link to sanity.

“Jeno, back here.” Renjun turns on his heels and pulls Jeno back down the section of the hall where they began. The squeeze into the darkness as the guards clamber down the stairs and head down the other way. “There’s no time. Quickly.”

Renjun pushes him back into the light and down the hall, where they arrive at the first staircase. Jeno takes in the site of the bed-rests and the familiar door, before looking at the stairs, then Renjun.

“Come on! We can go up now! Most of the night guards think we’re –“

Renjun hushes him with a finger to his lips, eyes flicking from each side as he listens for movement. There’s a faint sound of footsteps coming from above. Jeno holds his breath, waiting for the sound to pass.

Then, the footsteps get louder, like a stampede, surrounding them from all over. Jeno starts breathing heavily in batted pants, feeling the walls close in around them. Renjun strokes his arms gently pushes him to the door.

“Jeno,” he whispers, cupping his hands over Jeno’s ears and pulling his gaze towards him. “Look at me.” Jeno complies, eyes locking onto Renjun’s. They shine under the dim light, swimming with affection and bliss. Momentarily, it calms Jeno’s nerves, until he spots shadows at the end of the lit hallway, growing smaller. It starts all at once, with the rush of blood that goes straight to his head, to the sound of the footsteps from above growing closer as they stomp down the stairs, and to the one figure that steps into the light, and aims his gun.

“Jeno, no, look at me.” Jeno looks back at Renjun – his eyes, the only surety. “Do you trust me?”

Jeno nods, not taking his gaze off him.

“Then can you close your eyes for me babe? No matter what, you can’t open them.”

Reluctantly, he closes his eyes. Renjun clamps his hands tighter over Jeno’s ears and pushes him back against the wall. There a soft shockwave that follows as his back hits the wall. He feels Renjun stagger, clinging onto his shirt to keep his ground. Jeno grabs his waist to steady him, and his hands feel wet and warm at the touch. He grits his teeth, alarms go off in his head, but Renjun insists he keep his eyes shut.

“Jeno, can you hear me?” He asks, just loudly and close enough for Jeno to hear through his hands and the numbness in his ears. Jeno nods, when another shockwave renders his ears deaf. Renjun pulls his face down to whisper against his lips, his breath ghosting just above Jeno’s.

“I love you.”

Jeno feels him say, the soft smile that he loves playing tragically on Renjun’s lips as he closes them around Jeno’s. He grips tightly onto Renjun, holding him up with all his strength, tasting lead and salt and love, pouring in haste – and Jeno wishes it would’ve turned out better than this.

Renjun jerks against his body once more, before his lips slacken, and his hands fall from Jeno’s ears.

Still, Jeno doesn’t open his eyes.

The sun rises, but Renjun is no more.

-

There’s no funeral for Renjun – that much Jeno expected. But it rips him apart, to know that elsewhere, is a family praying for Renjun’s safety and happiness, and they have no idea. More than anything, he hates himself, for not letting him go.

A permanent numbness sets his heart rigid and unfeeling. He doesn’t react when the guards drag Renjun away from him. He sits blind and motionless. He doesn’t react when they take him in for questioning and place him in detention; before finally, after weeks, letting him go when they realise he knows nothing about anything, and only about Renjun.

When Jeno returns to his empty apartment, the first thing he does is take Renjun’s finished paintings to the galleria in hopes to fulfil his only promise.

* * *

 END III

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so, so sorry. It's just the way the story had to go for me but I promise, no more deaths (for Renjun). This was put off for so long because I couldn't stomach writing it, but now that it's done, I'm so relieved. I also didn't warn anything because I wanted it as a shock factor but I'm so SO SORRY if anyone feels super betrayed and I swear I won't hurt Renjun again.  
> The next chapter, as usual, will be based off the poem's next line "because even if you don’t exist, I am always in love with you."  
> I hope that provides some insight!  
> Thank you so much again!!


	4. - I'm always in love with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "- because even when you don't exist, I'm always in love with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI HELLO!! I'm tremendously sorry for the wait!! A lot of things came up (school, life, growing up) and I also found myself unsure of how to proceed with this chapter. I knew what I wanted to happen, but didn't know how to approach it. 6 times rewritten and 3 long days later, here it is! I hope it's not too unsatisfying, but I felt that this was the best way for me to express this universe/lifetime. For everyone who waited, thank you so much, truly.  
> Read on!

 

IV

* * *

 A shuddering wave of shock jolts Jeno awake. He gasps for air, the hairs on his neck crawling on edge as cold beads of sweat trickle down his nape. Holding a hand over the hammering in his chest, Jeno heaves in air like he’s been breathless for days. Lips shivering, limbs throbbing, the shockwave from the gunshot pulses through him.

A dream. A bad dream – he tells himself as his breath regains steadiness. It had been nothing but several, flashing, barely discernible images and the sound of single gunfire. Then a feeling of warmth on his lips that spread through his chest like flames, before it’d been quickly replaced by a bone-deep agony following the cruel, cold, shot.

He shivers again, the quilt scratching on his skin. Kicking off the covers, Jeno stumbles to the bathroom hoping that a cold shower will jumpstart his day.

The dreams have been recurring for a week now – shocking Jeno awake every morning with the thunderous clap of the gunshot before his eyes tear open to the plain, white ceiling of his bedroom.

Safe haven.

It’s always the same scenes in the same sequence; a dark tunnel, storming feet, a sweaty hand gripped tightly onto his. Then, warm cheeks, warm lips, warm bodies.

_Bang._

The tap squeaks as he wrenches it close.

 

It’s mid-August, yet a dreadful fog covers the city in a grim, unforgiving chill that has Jeno searching for the winter clothes he’d stashed away months ago. When he opens the blinds, the room is bathed in a dreary shade of grey. No colour, no life, no warmth.

Despite so, the freezing shower had done him well – shocked his mind back to work, the nightmare washed away to the far corner of his mind. Still, there’s a slight tingle to his lips, and his tongue burns sourly. Pulling his hood over his eyes, Jeno lathers chapstick onto his lips and decides on a quick stop for coffee before work.  

Stepping outside, Jeno frowns at the thick smog overhead, ominously hanging over the cityscape almost tauntingly. His scowl deepens; every breath smells stale and tastes like freezer-burn.

The café on his street is a small, cozy establishment oddly wedged in a small gap between the laundromat and more residential complexes. It’s humble enough for Jeno to frequent without the fear of being overwhelmed by a crowd, and Jaemin makes great coffee. (Sometimes useful conversation too.)

Jaemin greets Jeno from behind the counter with a toothy grin as the latter fumbles with his coat, ultimately resting it over the countertop as he slumps onto a stool. He groans loudly.

“You look like you’ve seen death,” Jaemin says plainly, glancing over his shoulder while he prepares Jeno’s usual.

“Have you seen the weather this morning?” Jeno grumbles, “I think we’re all going through a little death right now.”

Jaemin looks past Jeno’s shoulder at the early customers, sipping their drinks and chatting lively, like normal.

“No,” he shakes his head, “it’s just you.” He sets the coffee down before Jeno, pulling up a stool so he can sit facing the latter. Smiling at the top of Jeno’s downturned head, he drums his fingers on the table.

Jeno looks up from his coffee and sighs, “I had a nightmare.”

“Again?” Jaemin’s smile slips as he inches closer, “the same one?”

“Yeah, same one.” Jeno rubs his temples with the balls of his palm, “I wish it’d stop.”

His throat parches as the faint memories flood back. The gunshot, the warmth on his lips. The aching void in his chest as the feeling of loss strikes him again.

“Jeno are you okay?”

Jeno jerks back to reality as Jaemin’s hand comes to settle on his shoulder. He gives him a worried glance then fetches him a bottle of water.

“Here, you’ll be fine. I’m sure the weather is just making things worse.”

-

According to the weather report, the unexpected fog would be sticking around indefinitely. No one can figure out the cause, but everyone can tell it’s getting worse.

It has gotten to the point where Jeno can feel the fog seep through the cracks of his apartment, polluting his home and making the very air he breathes dense. Crawling into his lungs with every draw of breath, the grey falls heavy at the pit of his lungs, stuffing his chest. Few more breaths and his lungs are sure to snap from the walls of his chest, plummet down to his stomach.  

The nightmares get worse – clearer and more tangible as every night passes, Jeno can now taste the cold metal on his tongue when the shot fires, and the touch of a soft pair of lips is still fresh when he startles awake.

And always, for the rest of the day, the faded face of a boy lingers behind his eyes. Between every blink and at every turn.

Wildest part is that Jeno’s certain he’s never seen him before. Yet, at the end of his gripping nightmare, when the ringing in his ears cease, the stranger pulls back to smile, and Jeno knows _that_ he’s seen before. Such a distinct, radiant smile could only go unmatched.

According to Jaemin, one afternoon at the cafe, he’s being haunted. But Jeno believes that he’s missing something greater, or forgetting something altogether.

“I feel like there’s this gaping hole,” Jeno stumbles over his words, wracking his brain as Jaemin waits patiently, “like this blank space in my brain, or something.”

“See, what I think is that these nightmares are officially eating you alive. Maybe you should try sleeping pills? You might get some better sleep.”

Jaemin says this with a worried glance that bores right into Jeno’s eyes. They’ve sunken into their sockets, his cheeks gaunt and sagging. Jeno rubs his palms over his face; Jaemin clears his throat and looks away.

“Yeah, you’re probably right. I need better sleep, that’s all.”

Apologetically, Jaemin places a hand above Jeno’s, assuring him that it’ll pass soon.

-

Jeno wakes to the sound of gushing water, gurgling loudly down the drain. He sits up halfway against the headboard, rubbing his eyes as he stares at the warm light streaming out from the kitchen. He checks the time to be three in the morning, which automatically cancels Jaemin from the list of who it could possibly be.

And that’s all he’s got in his list.

Panic zaps through him like a current and he’s about to get up when the light switches off, and a small figure steps out into the darkness, feet shuffling against the carpet as he makes his way straight towards the bedroom.

Jeno breathes once he realises it’s only Renjun.

No – _Renjun?_

The stranger – Renjun – freezes at the sight of Jeno sitting up, “sorry babe, did I wake you?”

Jeno shakes his head, making space for Renjun to crawl in beside him. He’s meant to say something – question who the boy really is or what he’s doing in Jeno’s house –but when Renjun pulls him down and presses against his side, his mind goes blank.

_Who else could it be, but Renjun?_

Instead, his body keens to the warmth, wrapping an arm over Renjun’s middle and pulling him in closer. The smaller boy hums against Jeno’s neck; it thrums over Jeno’s skin, fills his chest with honey.

All the while, Jeno’s mind is back to racing. Questions and thoughts whirl into a storm that eventually subsides when Renjun’s hair tickles Jeno’s nose and the faint scent of shampoo hits him.

A far-away voice. _It’s Renjun._

The only answer he reaches but it somehow answers everything. It’s simply, _Renjun._

Jeno’s mind is in fragments, but his heart - his heart welcomes the boy with familiarity, and his body complies effortlessly.

Renjun fast asleep within minutes, nestled up in Jeno’s arms, steady breaths heating up Jeno’s skin.

While Jeno lies awake, slowly losing his sanity over the ticking clock and the blank stretch in his brain that mocks him – _how come you don’t remember?_

With both arms coiled around Renjun protectively, Jeno stares at the edge of his nightstand wondering why the boy feels so far away when he’s right here in his embrace.

 

The second time Jeno wakes up, it is morning and Renjun is gone. The space beside him is empty and undisturbed, sheets spread tight and cold to the touch. Almost like Renjun was never there to begin with.

His sight lands on the pack of sleeping pills sloppily closed on his nightstand. Turning away, he rolls over to open the blinds, letting his room be drenched in grey, all colourless and sorely empty.

-

In the nights that follow, the nightmares cease. Jeno sleeps soundly and deeply; the memory of Renjun’s warmth, imprinted onto his body, lulls his mind to submission before enveloping him in a gentle cradle of memories. Now, Jeno sees stars, big cities, open skies and earthy brown eyes.

It’s always in fleeting moments. Little parts of an afternoon in which Renjun’s curled into his side in front of the TV or, a night, where they’re on the roof of his apartment overlooking a city that Jeno knows isn’t his but feels familiar all the same.

Familiar, like he’s been through all of this before – most especially, with Renjun.

On some nights, Renjun is blond, and he never eases up to Jeno’s side like he does every other night. There’s always that modest distant – not strict but still there. In those moments, Jeno finds himself yearning for closeness, to close the distance between them, for Renjun’s delicate hands to wrap around his cracked and calloused ones.

Other nights, Renjun is brunet. Chocolate hair that turns auburn under the sun. He’s rushing into the waves, rolling over on the sand, tugging Jeno down for a sweet kiss and leaving streaks of sand on his cheeks when he pulls away. Renjun smiles brightly as he studies Jeno’s face, giggling when Jeno rubs their nose together and everything is alive, alive, alive.

Everything is golden.

Most nights, Renjun is simply snuggled up by his side, breathing in Jeno’s scent and smiling to himself. He’ll wrap his arms around Jeno tighter when the latter brushes the hair away from his eyes; exhale in contentment when Jeno follows suit with an embrace.

Jeno likes those nights the most.

However, by daybreak, Renjun is gone – all memories and warmth went with him. Jeno is left with a cave in his chest, limbs like lead as he struggles to push himself through the rest of his day.

-

“Do you believe in reincarnation?”

Jaemin stops mid-chew to give Jeno a puzzled look. The action movie they’d left on is muted by the pulsating ache in Jeno’s head as he rethinks his question.

“Do you believe in like, past lives or multiple universes, and stuff?”

Jaemin turns the volume down before facing Jeno directly, face pinched. “I mean, I’m not gonna say no completely. I just – I never – I don’t give it much thought I guess. Donghyuck talks about it all the time though. Has he gotten to you too?”

“No, I –“ Jeno takes a breath. He can feel his throat close up the more his mind reels about the past and missing memories and life and – _Renjun._

“Remember when I said I felt like I was missing something?” He waits for Jaemin to nod, “I think, I’m missing a whole person entirely.”

Jaemin’s face falls further into confusion, “what?”

“As in, someone I’ve known before, and now I have to find them.”

“O-kay,” Jaemin drawls, making an odd look. Jeno doesn’t need to be told he sounds absurd - he can tell by hearing himself speak. But with the tempest in his mind and the hole in his heart, it’s all he can manage.

Frankly, that’s all he knows – that he’s met Renjun before, certainly not in this life for he’d remember, but sometime before this. And by a wicked twist of fate, in this lifetime, he has yet to meet Renjun at all. In reality, that is.

“Do I know them?” Jaemin speaks up.

“No. I don’t know – I – never mind.” Cradling his head in his hands, Jeno takes a breath then shakes Jaemin’s worried stare off – adding a smile for good measure. “It’s nothing.”

The younger draws his lips into a thin line, taking one more look at Jeno before turning the volume back up.

Jeno doesn’t speak for the rest of the night; his eyes are distant and misty as he stares blankly at the screen. Jaemin doesn’t trouble him with any questions either – Jeno would come back eventually.

-

It’s another night with Renjun, pressed against Jeno’s chest, breathing soundly as Jeno draws tangents across his back. The room is dark, save for the soft glow of the moonlight pouring in when the curtains sway slightly, this way and that.

The minutes tick into the next hour. Courage finds its way.

“Renjun?”

The smaller male wriggles himself free from Jeno’s hold, whispering “yeah?”

Jeno’s mind blanks yet again. Cupping Renjun’s cheek, he leans in to press their lips together. Enriching, tender, calming – Renjun sighs through his nose and the contentment settles in the chambers of Jeno’s heart.

Renjun pulls away first, leaning his head against Jeno’s so their noses touch, their breaths becoming one, “what was that for?”

“Nothing.” Jeno smiles, “everything.”

Renjun rolls his eyes and buries himself back in Jeno’s chest, pulling the covers tight over his cheeks.

“Renjun?”

Without looking up, “yeah?”

Jeno takes a breath, cut short by words caught in his throat, “w-where are you?”

This time Renjun leans back to inspect Jeno’s face, a frown forming on his lips. It looks unnatural there. “What do you mean?” His expression cracks before melting altogether into a smile, “I’m right here, silly.”

“No –“ Jeno shakes his head while Renjun cups his cheeks, “where – where are you when you’re not _here?_ Where do I – where can I find you when all this goes away again?”

“I don’t understand Jeno,” Renjun’s face splits with worry and panic all at once, eyes flickering, almost a plea, “I’m right here, can’t you see?”

Jeno screws his eyes shut, pressure building at the back of his eyes as his head continues to throb and spin and ring.

_Where is Renjun?_

_I need to find Renjun._

_Why isn’t Renjun with me?_

“Jeno?”

He opens his eyes, staring right into Renjun’s heartbroken ones, “you’re not –“

“I’m right here, Jeno.” Renjun presses the foreheads together, then their noses, chests, and toes, “I’m right here.”

-

After that, Renjun is everywhere. His ghost lingers behind doorframes, at the corner of Jeno’s eye. It dances through the crowd, slipping and slinking through the streets, leading him on with a mellow trail of golden light against the greying world.

His ghost plays among the shadows at dusk; the sweet, summery aroma clinging on to Jeno’s side, reminding him of all that he was missing.

When Jeno falls onto his side of the bed, he catches a whiff of shampoo, sunken into the sheets and suddenly, Renjun is right there beside him. Snoring softly, eyelashes fluttering as he dreams, and Jeno dreams too.

It carries on until Jeno sees a pair of shoes in the crowd, small feet scuffing and hopping on the ground and Jeno _knows_ it’s him. A laugh, jingling far over heads and bouncing off walls and Jeno knows it’s him again – his heart surges. _Blink, blink._ His heart comes plummeting down. Renjun’s gone.

He is nowhere to be found but Jeno is sure he’d heard him, seen him, _his_ Renjun.

The fraying mind plays cruel tricks on the worn heart.

The days bleed into weeks of spiking pulses and hitching breaths; of faint, familiar laughter and smiles brighter than the sun. Of memories and ghosts; of being empty and completely in love.

Not once does Jeno wish the hallucinations away. He berates himself, for letting the emptiness eat away at his soul, but never does he blame the phantoms. After all, they’re the only connection to Renjun he has.

 

He meets Renjun again one night, under the stars and on top of the world, reaching out for the smaller hands, “Renjun?”

The latter meets him halfway without looking away from the night cityscape, lacing their fingers together, “yes?”

Jeno replies by leaning his head on Renjun’s shoulder, sighing. The city lights flick off one by one, the stars blink brighter. The world seems to hold its breath as Jeno wraps his arms around Renjun’s waist, pulling him closer to his chest before whispering, “I want this moment to last forever.”

Silence, followed by the faint whistling of the wind. Renjun squeezes Jeno’s fingers, bringing them to his lips.

“Renjun.” He breathes out, like a word of faith, _holy._

“We missed each other, Jeno.” A tear drops onto Jeno’s hand, “we missed each other.”

Jeno angles his head to face Renjun, the latter’s eyes pooling with regret, sorrow, hopelessness. His throat clamps as he mumbles a weak, “what?”

“We missed each other. You are far ahead and I,” Renjun pauses to breath deep, shuddering and broken, “I exist only in memory.”

Jeno opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. The words die in his throat as his mind stills. The world tilts and something somewhere in the universe clicks.

“I’ll find you,” Jeno whispers against Renjun’s lips before pulling him in, “I promise I will.”

The night sky mists, muting the stars and their watching, merciful eyes. The fog intrudes into the small spaces between their bodies, pulling them apart.

Empty, empty, empty.

-

Jeno finds a split between the seams.

“No more nightmares or weird feelings I’m guessing?”

“Why do you say?”

“You seem happier.”

_Renjun._

“Yeah, you could say that.”

 “I’m glad.”

 

For the following days, Jeno finds himself searching for the shoes in the crowd, for the ghost in the shadows. He finds himself peering over heads for the soft glowing trail, and listening for the familiar laughter amidst the chaos.

In the end, he sinks into his sheets, heart quickening and breath bated. He inhales in the familiar scent of shampoo, closes his eyes and waits for the pair of arms to wrap around him. Warmth surges and pours into the emptiness, weaving every vein with life.

_Whole._

“I’ve found you again.”

* * *

END IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, uh, woohoo!! The first resolution of the new year is a success!! Thanks for reading again and I hope you all have a wonderful new year ahead of you.

**Author's Note:**

> Please do leave kudos and comments! I highly appreciate them! 
> 
> Talk to me on twt: [baeksonified](https://twitter.com/baeksonified)  
> Or: [cc](https://curiouscat.me/angelcakkes)
> 
> Read [25 Lives](http://alighthouseofwords.tumblr.com/post/47941173293/25-lives-by-tongari) here!!


End file.
